Big week for Kato Kaelin. You remember him, right? He was the resident of OJ Simpson‘s Brentwood estate guest house which is a super-nice way of saying quasi-homeless-mooch type.
Anyway, he was recently quoted in the NY Post (so you know it’s true), saying “Yes, he did it.” He being OJ and it being the murder of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman.
Of course, that begs the question: why did Kato not speak up earlier?
“I was too scared. I was terrified. People hated me. I’ve been spat upon. They threw gum in my coffee.”
But I take issue with those reasons. I mean, first, people might have hated him, but I doubt it had anything to do with a crime. NO. People hated him because it’s patently unfair for anyone to have such kickass hair.
Though, now that I think about it — having hair that’s layered as perfectly as Kato’s probably is a crime, after all. At least it should be. And don’t even get me started on those highlights.
Still, no one hated-hated him because of that. As for being spat upon, my four-year-old triplets spit on me every single day, and they don’t hate me. At least not yet. And call me crazy, but I always thought a little chewed-up Doublemint in a pipin’ hot cup of joe gave it a little zip. Given all that, I wasn’t so sure if I was buying that he actually said this.
And, in a shocking turn of events, it seems my skepticism was well founded. Because Kato came out and told TMZ that the entire story was garbage. (But, wait, it was the NY Post?!)
One thing he can’t deny, though, is anything he said on “The View” yesterday. Because, you know, it’s on TV and they record such things.
So what has Kato been up to, you might be wondering? Well, first off, he said that ever since the Green Bay Packers won the Super Bowl, his life has been “crazy great.” (Totally buying the crazy part.) Apparently he’s got a game show in the works which was the perfect segue for the requisite so you got your own house now? joke. (Seriously, Sherri, strong work. Do you write that shit or just make it up as you go along?)
Then there was an awkward moment brought to you courtesy of the following exchange:
Elisabeth: Are you married? Girlfriends? What’s your love life (like)?
Kato: Hey! What are you saying?
Elisabeth (not amused, not interested and swallowing a chunk or two of puke): I’m married with three kids.
No word yet on whether or not Kato realized he looked like this while making that lame, I’m kind of a player, aren’t I? joke.
Anyway, he goes on to talk about his girlfriend of five years named Amber who’s a personal trainer, yadda, yadda, yadda, and everyone was all “Hey, that’s great Kato, but seriously, shut the fuck up and let’s get to the only reason why you’ve ever been even remotely relevant” which is exactly when he and Barbara started breaking down the whole OJ deal. You know, 20 years after the fact, or whatever it is by now. She point blank asks “So for once and for all, did you think he was guilty?”
“My opinion is, I thought he was guilty.”
Joy then pointed out that it sounded at the time as if he were on the side of the defense and wanted him to explain that apparent contradiction, but he never really did and they quickly moved on to something else. Proof, I suppose, that having five people conduct an interview really isn’t such a great idea, after all.
Anyway, at the very end, Kato says that he’s not surprised that OJ is currently incarcerated because he’s a big believer in karma.
And I must say, I believe in karma, too.
Which raises the question: did you recently do something kinda shitty or something? Because, you know, you just read a 700-word piece about Kato Kaelin.
I’m not sayin’. I’m just sayin’.
Also — I’d embed the video that The View posted on their YouTube page, but I think you’ve already paid enough for whatever it is you’ve done.