You know, when you work in the fast-paced and glamorous world of pop culture blogging, you tend to get stressed out and overworked. There’s the meetings, interviews, world premieres, and countless interventions. It turns out that, when you work in this biz, there’s actually very little time for the writing and crafting of meticulously worded posts like “Gangnam Style is Awesome” and “The Avengers Kicked Ass.” So it’s on days like these that I thank the blogging gods for gifting me with such an easy topic, already pre-loaded with snark, so I can finally get some sleep. Reports are in this week that Lindsay Lohan is an unholy terror on the set of Scary Movie 5.
Page 6 reports:
Dimension Films signed Lohan to play a cameo in the horror spoof opposite Charlie Sheen. But over the past two weeks — as the date for filming approached — Lohan disappeared, blew off rehearsals, missed her flight to the set and even bizarrely claimed she had walking pneumonia.
We’re told the troubled starlet “freaked out” after seeing the script was poking fun at her. At the 11th hour, Lohan did report for work, however only after she was threatened with a lawsuit by a Hollywood legal eagle and a private jet was sent to pick her up…
There are so many things wrong with this story, I had to lie down for 35 minutes. First of all, they’re making a Scary Movie 5?! I guess it goes to show that people will still pay money for TERRIBLE movies littered with pop culture references that are at least two years old. Leslie Nielsen will be rolling in his hilarious grave.
Now I know Lindsay is an easy target who has had an undeniably difficult life. Poking fun at Lindsay is like shooting fish in a barrel with barrel-sized bullets that come out of a gun that emits a fish-killing radiation after it has been fired, but I can’t help myself on this one. Lindsay? Can I talk one on one with you for a second?
So, Scary Movie 5, huh? That’s cool. I know everyone needs a paycheck. I’m sure you’ve got bills and legal defense funds to pay. But, kiddo, you’re just doing a cameo here. Were you not to make such a dramatic stink about it, I’m sure your time on set would have totaled all of three days and we all wouldn’t have another excuse to joke about you. You could have shot your part and been on the way back home to house arrest before you knew it. Now the reports are saying that you were “freaking out” over the fact that you were being made fun of and that you would have to kiss Charlie Sheen. Now the last thing anyone associates with the Scary Movie franchise is “fun”, but you’ve got to remember that this is supposed to be a comedy. You do realize you have a bit of a checkered past right? Well, these “filmmakers” are trying to use that preexisting knowledge to mine laughs out of your appearance that they don’t have to worry about writing themselves. You’d be surprised how much heat you can take off of yourself if you’re able to take a joke. Charlie Sheen, your cameo co-star, knows this better than anyone.
And it’s OK if you have to kiss Charlie Sheen. Just go to your doctor and ask for all of the inoculations one would require if they decided to live in a rain forest for a year. Problem solved. The fact of the matter is that you don’t need to pretend that you’ve got walking pneumonia, since we all know that you are probably already immune to most diseases anyway. Look, you’re not going to get your Oscar-bait picture any time soon, so crack some jokes about yourself, prove that you’ve got a sense of humor, and then watch some of the scandal that comes with your name slowly vanish. Or start a fire on the set for all I care. I don’t like Scary Movie.
Instantly far more terrifying and hilarious than all of the Scary Movies combined.
What about you? How would you talk Lindsay Lohan into honoring even the tiniest of commitments? Tough love? Promises of future roles? A box propped up with a stick on a string with a sign pointing to it that says “Free cigarettes and stolen jewelry!”? Leave your strategies in the comments below!