Do I even need to TYPE anything this week? I mean, basically, this happened:
And this happened:
(Knee UP, Mister Gunn.)
And then this happened:
And based on this performance, I believe I’d have to declare Miss Sonjia Fierce the winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race, but only if she could beat Miss Fabio Dumpstoni in the LSFYL. Dmitry would come in third; Ven would possibly get the consolation prize of performing the title role in his local community theater’s production of Evita.
Everybody else? Sashay away, bitches.
So this was a good challenge. Off the wall and challenging, yet super New York-ish with a weird-but-cool prize of seeing your design on the Rockettes at Radio City. The problem is — scratch that, PROBLEMS ARE, plural — that 1) the overall talent level is pretty low this season of Project Runway, 2) the one-day challenges are not helping, and 3) I’m just really kinda over it.
But maybe 10 seasons of the same show will just do that to you, no matter what they do or how crazy the new cast’s hair looks. Sure, Amazing Race and Survivor are all on season 37 or something by now, but those shows are basically airing new seasons non-stop so you can take a break and skip an entire cycle if you’re bored, then later be like, “Ooh yay an Amazing Race marathon of a season I didn’t watch! Guess who’s not getting off the couch this weekend! SCORE.”
But enough of my existential recapping dilemma. Let’s just look at what we ended up with:
Darkest Timeline Britta: So the whole “number one” thing was unfortunate, since you can’t unsee it, even though you know it’s not intentional. Lots of loose threads going on too, and basically she looks like Cigarette Girl Barbie.
Fabio: WHAT THE. I can’t even finish that sentence. He had a wisp of a good idea in there somewhere, but completely ruined it with the styling and OH YEAH, LET’S PUT THE ROCKETTES IN DRAB GRAY TURTLENECKS. THAT’S WAY KICKY AND STUFF.
Sonjia: This was…not her week. She’s lucky other people biffed the challenge even harder. The judges were right on about the feathers — the first three rows of the audience would get showered with them, and there’s no way that bodice would move with the dancers. It can’t even walk down the runway without looking like a dented breastplate.
Dmitry: Once again, Dmitry produced something beautiful and nearly flawlessly executed. Something that completely fulfilled the challenge while also looked very much like a “Dmitry design.” And once again, he got nothing more than a few appreciative murmurs from the judges and another second-place finish. He is the new Viktor, Emilio Sosa or Laura Bennett. He will come close, but he will probably not win because he has — for whatever fucking reason — landed firmly on the other side of the Judges’ Speshul Pet boundary.
Unlike, say, THIS GUY: Look, Christopher had a brilliant idea and I agree the skyline looks amazing. Way better than what I was originally picturing. He made an excellent fabric choice and let the embellishments and pattern do 90% of the work. But. That skirt hangs kind of awkwardly and I’m not sure how it will look during the signature high kicks, nobody beyond the first couple rows will be able to make out the details thanks to the color, and OH MY GOD, so much illusion netting. I hate hate hate illusion netting.
Whatever. He won. I bet his design will be rendered in a completely different color and with a completely different hemline.
Elena: So I just had the BEST IDEA for a movie, you guys. There’s this young ice skater, right? And she’s really poor and lives on the wrong side of the tracks but has a Dream to skate in the Olympics or maybe just the Ice Capades because no one has the heart to tell her they don’t exist anymore. Anyway, she walks to practice everyday, across the tracks to the rich part of town, where all the Mean Girls practice, and they make fun of her beat-up skates and alcoholic father (because her mother died when she was a baby, possibly by getting run over on the railroad tracks while walking to a job so her daughter could have a better life and Dreams and stuff). But when it’s time for the Big Ice Skating Competition she has no money for a costume but one of the Mean Girls feels kind of bad and loans her a hand-me-down. But it’s ugly and like, every awful ice skater costume-y cliche in the world. It doesn’t fit her either but it’s all she has except for her Dreams. Luckily, her father sees her crying in her ugly costume and decides to sober up for a few hours and it turns out that he was a professional costume designer for the Ice Capades but gave it up when the train ran over his wife because the train was FULL OF SEQUINS THAT HE ORDERED IN BULK (because of greed and workaholicism, probably). But he sews her a new, beautiful costume and she doesn’t have to wear the Sad Baggy Costume of Poverty and of course she wins the Big Ice Skating Competition and the judges are all, “congratulations you’re going to the Olympics for some reason!” And then everyone loves her and throws money at the ice and the Mean Girls hire her father for their costumes and a Selena Gomez song comes on over the credits, the end.
Anyway, Elena’s design would be PERFECT for that movie. I mean, I’d cry if I had to wear this, too.
Ven: Ven’s design, on the other hand, does not inspire me to invent a whole movie plot. It mostly makes me want to get a tetanus shot, because it looks like he just wrapped her up in some unhemmed chicken coop mesh and called it a day.
Goodbye, Ven! I very much incorrectly predicted that you would win this whole thing, back before you revealed yourself to be a one-trick clitoris-rose pony and also kind of a dick. Whatever.
And finally, I am including this photo, because…well…
Oh, Angelina’s Right Leg, WHAT HAST THOU WROUGHT?