In Resident Evil: Retribution, the fifth iteration of the decade-old zombie series, we find Milla Jovovich in spandex flipping around some more and shooting zombies for the millionth time and maybe you need more hints about the subtle narrative that Paul W.S. Anderson hopes to weave in this film, but I have no idea what it even is because boobs.
I fail to recognize the tactical advantage of that outfit. I mean… too many buckles! Amiright?
All kidding aside (well SOME kidding aside) these movies have devolved to the point where the plotlines are such a convoluted mess that even with a 5-minute “Our story so far…” voiceover at the beginning, a person who has seen all these movies has no idea what the point is. If you are new to these films, don’t worry…the confusion you are feeling is totally normal. We veteran Resident Evil viewers call this need of yours to understand character and motive “Attention Surplus Disorder”. Just shut up and watch the pretty girls shoot things like the rest of us.
Seriously. The plot seems like it may have originated from the writer standing next to a particularly drunken hobo on the subway as he screamed random words at invisible animals.* Things like “Red Bull! Hallway! Bloodbath!” and “Lamprey! Brain Jello! Monsters!” might seem like scary overheard hallucinations to some, but to those of us whose cognitive processes are completely disrupted by even the prospect of seeing a nipple….fantisimo! (*kisses fingertips*)
“And then I want you to be all PEWPEWPEW!! And they’ll be all “AAAARRGH!!!” but the whole time make sure you’re pointing your boobs over there.”
I had the same problem with the Underworld movies, another franchise that stars a hot chick in tight clothes shooting things in slow-motion. The plot, as it were, lasts in my memory about the same length of time as a flash burst from a camera ghosts my vision. A couple of blinks…a confused look…and then I move on. It’s really not unlike getting neuralized by the Men in Black, except instead of having a plucky Will Smith telling you to be nice to people afterwards, you just kinda have a confusing blend of unfocused residual horniness and the need to tell your daughter that you love her for who she is…not how she looks, and then maybe suggest she should really buckle down on her schoolwork.
Should you see Resident Evil: Retribution? HAHAHAHAHHAAA! NO!
But I did. And I liked it.
There’s no minimal some plenty of shame in that**.
*Alternately, you could just throw a bunch of seemingly ridiculous words into a hat and whatever three-word combo you pull out you make as a set piece for your film. “Tentacle Banana Shoe? Aardvark Potato Zamboni? Okaaay…better get WETA on the phone.”
**UPDATE: RE:R made 21.1 million dollars this weekend. I made $25 selling my old iPod for beer money. Advantage: Resident Evil.
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