Something gross I recently learned about myself is that I am, apparently, a hopeless romantic. I love going to weddings, I’m a sucker for hearing how you fell in love with your significant other and vowed to never bone another, and I get RILLY SERIOUSLY SAD when celebrity couples split up.
As if it wasn’t annoying enough that I believe in the power of true love and whatever, I also get super invested in celebrity marriages. Even when I don’t care about either celebrity. Even if it’s obviously a publicity stunt. Even if the people involved have the collective emotional maturity of a clam. I JUST WANT THOSE CRAZY KIDS TO BE HAPPY, OK?
(The exception? Tom and Katie. That shit was never right.)
This is precisely why hearing about Blake Lively‘s surprise (to the media, anyway) wedding to Ryan Reynolds on Sunday evening filled me with giddy excitement. Young love! Between that guy I thought was all up in Sandra Bullock’s business and that girl from the traveling pants movie! Awww. You guys know who Blake is, right? Here she is looking confused in the woods in a sweater and her Underoos:
And here she is on the cover of Allure, a magazine staffed by people who obviously hate her because they chose a photo of her looking hella tired for the cover:
It was when I read a few excerpts from Blake’s upcoming feature in Allure magazine that I started to get a little nervous. Blake tells Allure “Oh, I’d love 30 [children] if I could,” and “I’m so peaceful… I’ve never been happier in my life. It’s the choice that you have to wake up every day and say, ‘There’s no reason today can’t be the best day of my life.’”
Guys. Am I the only one who thinks Blake needs to TONE HER HAPPINESS THE FUCK DOWN up in this piece? Everyone knows that karma can sniff out exuberance a mile away and bring the hammer down on that shit with a quickness — and that rule goes double for celebrities. In an industry where an extremely high percentage of marriages go by the wayside after a couple years or less, Blake’s starry-eyed wish to push 30 mini-Ryans out her brewster sounds less like a sweet daydream and more like a summons for divorce proceedings. I know you have gigantic cartoon hearts in your newlywed eyes right now, Blake, but trust me: marriage is hard enough for normal people. GIRD THY LOINS if you really want this to work. Do it for the children!*
*”the children” = me and all the other people who have never met you but remain overly invested in your personal life.