A few weeks ago The Voice‘s Christina Aguilera did humankind a solid when she told her record company that they were “working with a fat girl,” and that they should just “know it now and get over it.” As it turns out, this proclamation was just the beginning of Christina’s new found sense of confidence, because now the singer has made it clear that she doesn’t like to wear underwear.
The public response has been nuts. It’s like the Berlin Wall coming down all over again. People are crying tears of joy, rejoicing the fall of a horrible ‘Panties-Required’ regime, and spontaneous undie-burning parties are springing up in cities and towns all over America.
Wait; what? None of that actually happened?
Right. Because it’s fucking underwear.
As rational people, we probably get that. But celebrities don’t always tick the ‘rational’ box when they fill out their ‘You Gonna Be So Famous’ employment applications.
Where we say “Great! To each their own when choosing lovers, political affiliations, or crotch coverings,” Christina’s The Voice co-star Adam Levine does not. Instead, Levine advocates a strict underwear-mandatory lifestyle. One could even speculate that his falsetto crooning is a direct result of some extra-tighty-whities.
Sadly, Levine is not a supporter of the gusset-free fashion Christina embraces. Levine attributes his aversion to an open air policy to the lack of certainty: “I don’t know what could happen,” he says, adding “I don’t want things flopping around. I don’t know if that’s the same for women; it’s a little simpler down there for you guys.”
Yes, Adam. It certainly is “simpler” for women “down there.” Vaginas and vulva are so super simple, why, even women can manage them! All those pesky maxi-pads, tampon applicators, and eco-friendly turkey-baster rubber bulb menses catcher thingies are a piece of cake compared to a dick and a set of balls. Who needs the vote or reproductive-equality when we possess genitals of the “non-floppy” variety?
Levine concludes by saying he needs “a buffer zone between my junk and the outside world.” Yes, Adam. We all do. They’re called ‘pants.’
Until Christina advocates a completely bottom-less lifestyle, free-wheelin’ women everywhere say “panties off to you!”