Chris Brown Dumps His Girlfriend With A Drunken Video, Cites “Being Real”

10/05/2012 1:00 pm by

What.

The fuck.

ChrisKarrueche 590x393 Chris Brown Dumps His Girlfriend With A Drunken Video, Cites Being Real

You guys, let me just start by saying that I tried really hard not to write about this REALLY hard. The level of jackhole that Chris Brown has reached has been written about for years now, and I think everyone (other than those who want him to beat them) is relatively exhausted by his existence.

And for the past few days, we’ve all been seeing the headlines: Chris Brown has been spending some quality (and most likely pants-free) time with his old flame, Rihanna. This while still technically dating Karrueche Tran. But whatever, right? He’s a dick. THIS IS WHAT DICKS DO.

chris brown rihanna Chris Brown Dumps His Girlfriend With A Drunken Video, Cites Being Real

But then this morning, I hear that he’s released a statement (?) announcing his split from Karrueche…and simultaneously released a video titled “The Real Chris Brown.” Let’s, shall we?


CAN YOU EVEN. I FOR ONE CANNOT.

ACTUALLY WAIT A SECOND YES I CAN:

“I’m a little drunk so imma be honest…I’m stressed out. That’s just real shit…I’m stressed out. [Laughter]“

No. I reject your stress, Christopher Brown, and I invalidate your claims. You have a production team to make expensive videos of your silly drunken moments in the back seat of a car. You are the Mitt Romney within your circle of influence. NO AND NO AND NO. HAVING TO MAKE BASIC MORAL LIFE CHOICES DOES NOT ENTITLE YOU TO ANY LEVEL OF STRESS.

“When you share history with somebody and then you fall in love with somebody else, it’s kinda difficult…is there such thing as lovin’ two  people?”

Assignment:

1. Get dictionary.

2. Look up definition of love.

3. Look up definition of lust.

4. Compare/contrast AND TATTOO THAT SHIT ON YOUR FACE.

“I don’t wanna hurt either, either or. I’m not tryin’ to be a player. I’m not tryin’ to be a dog…my momma raised me differently. I just care too much…”

blink.

blink.

source, source, source, source

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About Kristine Cook

Kristine knows who Arcade Fire is. Sadly, she is also familiar with Teresa Giudice's bubbies, Justin Bieber's hair, and Kanye's tweeting habits. She blogs at Wait in the Van

Filed Under: Celebrity Breakups, Popular, Rihanna, Video Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,


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  • SoThenISaid

    NO NO NO NO NO. Let me just take a moment to thank God that I was not in charge of editing that video. SOMEONE HAD TO EDIT THAT VIDEO. The angels weep.

    • http://www.waitinthevan.com Kristine

      RIGHT?! AND UNIRONICALLY.

  • http://twitter.com/awestintx sonja

    I know we are over this phrase, but he is a total asshat.

    • http://www.waitinthevan.com Kristine

      I hope his 80 year-old self is embarrassed by this some day.

      • Beja

        Just as well I hope your 80 yr old self looks back an realizes how unfulfilling and meaningless your life was that highlighting someone else mistakes was your form of entertainment! or maybe it’s not for entertainment it’s just your personality

  • http://twitter.com/shuggilippo Jessi Sanfilippo

    Of for the ever-loving holy fuck of the universe. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Is it possible for our souls to morph into a cocker spaniel? Because, right now, due to this horrid attempt at “humanizing Chris Brown” mine is simultaneously puking and shitting its brains out. STOP RINGING THE DOORBELL, CHRIS BROWN! JUST STOP!

    • http://www.waitinthevan.com Kristine

      This is my most favorite comment ever.

      • http://twitter.com/shuggilippo Jessi Sanfilippo

        Right back atcha.

  • HeatherMSM47

    I seriously hate him.

    • http://www.waitinthevan.com Kristine

      I think he would have had a better shot at humanizing himself by releasing a video of him hosting a dog fight.

  • http://twitter.com/Avath Avath

    My god he is such a douche. How do people buy the music of A KNOWN ABUSER. THIS UPSETS ME. WHY are Rihanna’s people not stopping this UTTER NONSENSE?! Why have they not put her in therapy as she is clearly not thinking wisely or AT ALL REALLY. Rihanna honey, baby, little lovely girl – THERE ARE OTHER PENISES OUT THERE FOR YOU.

  • http://twitter.com/wendyiswriting Wendy Wilson

    i can’t even watch his stupid video. in fact, i’m going to close this browser window and pretend for the rest of the day that i didn’t even know he invested something like this with (allegedly!) high production values.
    he’s gross. why doesn’t he make a video where he talks about how his mama didn’t raise him to be gross? ’cause that’s a video i’d watch.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Amy-Corlett/1097844595 Amy Corlett

    Side editorial: How in the world do 2 people, any 2 people, make a connection and fall in love when even ONE of them talks like this? I couldn’t understand one freaking thing he is saying. Know’nt I mean? NO! I do most definitely NOT know what in the hell you mean. He cannot speak about anything meaningful that requires the use of more than about 5 words at a time. And he is just one of many young people out there who just have not been taught – or expected – to articulate themselves, their feelings, anything! Dammit. Stop talking like a freaking text! You shallow, douchey moron!

  • SuzyQuzey

    Didn’t his girlfriend dump him first? Whatever, I don’t care what he does, where he puts his dick, and I have NO SYMPATHY for Rihanna or any other stupid-ass girl who gets involved with him. THEY KNOW WHAT THEY’RE GETTING: A COMPLETE AND TOTAL SELF-INVOLVED VIOLENT DOUCHEBAG.

    What frosts my shorts is that he wins awards and makes money from his asshattery. GAH.

  • Tyskkvinna

    GRRRR CHRIS BROWN GRRRRRRRR.

    I’m afraid that’s really all I can muster on the subject.

  • Hollypainyo

    On one hand, I want to watch the video so I can WTF and FU all over Chris Brown too. On the other hand, I never want to hear him speak again if I can help it.

    ….as much as I wanna be on the same page as y’all, I’m just going to take your word for it that it’s yet another Chris-Brown-is-an-epic-douche-how-is-he-still-relevant moment.

  • Beja

    I can’t believe grown women (parents supposedly) have time to be on here! Why don’t you guys go chat on something important like this election. I just happen to look at all comment and they are all from white women! Let black women raise/comment on their sons and brothers cause I can guarantee you that there are 10 to 1 white male celebrities that made the mistake Chris brown made but they will not be crucified for it! Focus on your sons and daughters, use his mistake to teach your children ! Don’t use it to teach hate and how making one mistake earns you the right to be crucified the rest of your life…… Iam just saying

    • KWillo

      Chris Brown is a human and therefore is subject to judgement by all humans, regardless of race or color. I hope you are not suggesting that we have “separate but equal” judicial systems, in reality or in the blogosphere. That, in my humble, race undisclosed opinion, would be asinine.

    • Hollypainyo

      “I just happen to look at all comment and they are all from white women!”

      No, they aren’t.

  • Rachel

    Dude, serious, how do you equate Mitt Romney with Chris Brown. That’s just wrong.

    R