You guys, let me just start by saying that I tried really hard not to write about this REALLY hard. The level of jackhole that Chris Brown has reached has been written about for years now, and I think everyone (other than those who want him to beat them) is relatively exhausted by his existence.
And for the past few days, we’ve all been seeing the headlines: Chris Brown has been spending some quality (and most likely pants-free) time with his old flame, Rihanna. This while still technically dating Karrueche Tran. But whatever, right? He’s a dick. THIS IS WHAT DICKS DO.
But then this morning, I hear that he’s released a statement (?) announcing his split from Karrueche…and simultaneously released a video titled “The Real Chris Brown.” Let’s, shall we?
CAN YOU EVEN. I FOR ONE CANNOT.
ACTUALLY WAIT A SECOND YES I CAN:
“I’m a little drunk so imma be honest…I’m stressed out. That’s just real shit…I’m stressed out. [Laughter]“
No. I reject your stress, Christopher Brown, and I invalidate your claims. You have a production team to make expensive videos of your silly drunken moments in the back seat of a car. You are the Mitt Romney within your circle of influence. NO AND NO AND NO. HAVING TO MAKE BASIC MORAL LIFE CHOICES DOES NOT ENTITLE YOU TO ANY LEVEL OF STRESS.
“When you share history with somebody and then you fall in love with somebody else, it’s kinda difficult…is there such thing as lovin’ two people?”
1. Get dictionary.
2. Look up definition of love.
3. Look up definition of lust.
4. Compare/contrast AND TATTOO THAT SHIT ON YOUR FACE.
“I don’t wanna hurt either, either or. I’m not tryin’ to be a player. I’m not tryin’ to be a dog…my momma raised me differently. I just care too much…”