GUYS: Hulk Hogan has a sex tape and I watched it and now you have to watch it too because I will not be the only person here who begins her day with such rampant self-destruction.
Fine. You won’t watch it? Then I’ll just have to force-feed you a screenshot.
The following are henceforth ruined for me: Hulk Hogan, Hulkmania, Hulk Hogan’s Rock’n'Wrestling cartoon, all cartoons, bedrooms, canopy beds, pillows, lamps, candles, nightstands, life.
How did this happen? Well, I’ll tell you how: The Hulk claims he was secretly filmed during the encounter with a woman rumored to be his best friend’s ex-wife (his best friend? A famous DJ by the name of Bubba the Love Sponge. I KNOW, JUST GO WITH IT). Another man’s voice is heard off-camera during parts of the tape — a voice many claim is the Love Sponge himself — which makes this whole situation…more interesting? Less? The dealings of three grown adults who were clearly OK with the situation until two of the adults decided to tape the whole thing and totally embarrass their friend because, I don’t know, they suck at life? Sounds about right to me.
OK, so I don’t know for sure that Mr. Sponge and his ex-wife–Heather Clem–circulated the tape themselves, but the footage was apparently brought to Gawker by an “anonymous source” who wanted no credit or monetary reward for their offering. So either it was made public by two of Hulk’s “friends,” or Hulk’s friends were, like, showing everyone the tape and/or NOT LOCKING IT UP AND PROTECTING IT WITH THEIR LIVES ZOMG WHY ARE PEOPLE SO LAX ABOUT SEX TAPE SECURITY. Either way, someone just wanted to be a dick and cause trouble for the sake of being a dick and causing trouble, and that sucks.
Hulk is single, so it’s not like he was cheating on his spouse (that, uh, happened before his divorce, SAD FACE) or boning an underage or otherwise off-limits individual — he was just an adult having sex with another adult, and it seems he was taken advantage of here.
That sound you hear is The Hulk lawyering the fuck up.
Perhaps I’m a little unnecessarily protective of The Hulkster, but I have fond childhood memories of his persona, and–all things considered–he seems like a good father. For Pete’s sake — when his phone rings on the sex tape, his ringtone is his own daughter Brooke’s terrible song! If you remove the fact that he was getting beejayed into oblivion when his phone rang, that’s pretty sweet.
Should’ve just stuck to destroying bowls of pasta instead of Bubba’s ex-Sponge, my friend.