For the past two weeks here on MamaPop, I’ve been talking about remakes. Up until this point, we’ve been talking about the good remakes. The Magnificent Seven, The Thing, The Birdcage, Ocean’s 11, etc. But we’ve all been ignoring the proverbial elephant in the room. The one specter that looms over any conversation about pop culture the moment anyone utters the word “remake”. I am, naturally, speaking of TERRIBLE REMAKES.
You see, it’s a remake of a show about people that are remaking the show, but she’s also a real witch, so…wait, where are you going?
I’ve been avoiding listing the worst that movie remakes have to offer up until this point simply because there are SO MANY of them. Seriously, the bad-remake-to-good-remake ratio is something along the lines of 10:1. When I was thinking up this post, I listed about 23 movies off of the top of my head before I blacked out for 40 minutes since my brain was overheating from the flood of pertinent data. And it’s really not all that surprising. Typically, remakes are made from movies that most would have considered “good” original movies. So expectations of quality entertainment are already a little higher than normal. Another problem is that remakes are so very easy to screw up. You miss one crucial plot element or character beat that worked so well in the original version and you might has well have not bothered to make your remake in the first place…or you know, you could have made something original instead.
Where’s my Condorman remake, damn it!
So, without further ado, I’d like to present to you my top TWENTY-FIVE terrible movie remakes. It’s 25 because I seem to have an easier time weeding out movies I like, but not movies that disappoint beyond reason. I present this list to you in alphabetical order since putting them in the order of sucking/disappointment would take several MIT mathematicians and no less than three Stephen Hawkings to process the data to determine which of these movies is worse. If you haven’t seen any of these movies yest, I beg you to watch some of the originals first so you can appreciate the horror that people who have seen both movies have.
City of Angels (1998) – Nicolas Cage’s first appearance on this list. This movie also gave us Dennis Franz’s butt—after we, as a nation, had voted that we didn’t want to see his butt any more.
Promise me you’ll never do anything to your face.
Clash of the Titans (2010) - Let’s throw out all of the wonder and charm of the original and make a Slipknot video instead.
– Um, Mr. Director, did ancient Greeks have buzz cuts?
- Don’t care. ACTION!
The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008) - Normally I would make a joke about how Keanu didn’t need to act in this movie, but I think I just hate Jaden Smith.
Hey, I think my stunt double is in the shot.
Death at a Funeral (2010) – I’m mainly just confused about why this movie was remade, since it was made three years earlier in English. Also, I like James Marsden but Alan Tudyk > James Marsden.
You see, we thought the original had a startling lack of poop jokes.
Dinner for Schmucks (2010) - This movie’s major crime was to take a cast full of very talented comic actors and then produce a slow and boring movie.
Only 20 more minutes until another funny joke.
Fame (2009) – Let’s take out all of the edge that made the original so memorable and make it more like High School Musical.
We’re all well adjusted young people!
Get Carter (2007) - You, Mr. Stallone, are no Michael Caine. Please stop trying.
As soon as this makes $10 million I can get started on Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot 2: Still Shootin.‘
Godzilla (1998) - You know what’s exciting? Giant monsters destroying cities. You know what’s MORE EXCITING? Some actress whining about not being a real reporter while pining for Matthew Broderick while the monster hides.
Don’t move. Sarah Jessica Parker’s sight is based on movement.
Halloween (2007) - It’s just like the original, but instead of suspense and scares there’s additional stabbing.
Man, Bring Your Dad to School Day is THE WORST.
The Haunting (1999) - Another movie guilty of taking the original concept and then removing the scary. The only bonus? Watching Owen Wilson lose his head.
You can tell Liam Neeson is just biding his time until he gets to punch a wolf.
The Karate Kid (2010) - Utter blasphemy. You are on my list now, Jaden Smith.
SWEEP THE LEG!!!
The Ladykillers (2004) – It is with a heavy heart that I include a Coen Brothers film on this list.
Yes, that sound is Alec Guinness rolling in his grave.
Last Man Standing (1996) – A remake of Yojimbo that was already remade as the FAR superior A Fistful of Dollars.
Back when Bruce Willis picked his movies based solely on the amount of hats he would be allowed to wear.
The Longest Yard (2005) - It was either this or Mr. Deeds.
I said throw it RIGHT THURRRRR!
The Pink Panther (2006) - Steve Martin is responsible for so many funny things, so I don’t know why he felt it was necessary to do this to the estate of Peter Sellers.
Coincidentally, that’s also the face the audience members made as they walked out of the theater.
Planet of the Apes (2001) – BOOOOOOO!!!!! One of the rare movies where I stood up after it was over and yelled at the screen demanding an explanation.
Nope! Nothing.
Poseidon (2006) – Proof that it doesn’t matter if you change the name a little, people will still compare your bland movie to the superior original. Also, no Ernest Borgnine, so no thank you.
Kurt Russel, no! Get out of this movie!
Psycho (1998) – Not only was this movie uncalled for, they also remade it entirely shot for shot. So, with each frame, you can pause to remember why the original was so much better.
This was before Vince Vaughn realized he only had to act like himself in movies to get people to go see them.
Rollerball (2002) - The next three movies are all examples of when a remake is no good because all of the social context that made the originals so popular is completely absent.
I asked him what 5 times 7 was.
The Stepford Wives (2004) - That’s two from you Broderick. This is your final warning.
CGI is like social commentary, right?
Straw Dogs (2011) - It’s less about emotional states and more about waiting for your cue to justifiably murder someone.
Brought to you by LensCrafters.
Swept Away (2002) - One of the biggest flops of all time, the movie’s primary concern seems to be to make sure everyone in the world should hate Madonna forever.
I tan amazingly well for a British woman.
The Vanishing (1993) - This movie commits the most grievous of sins when it comes to remaking a movie: it sticks fairly close to the original, but then feels the need to tack on a happy ending.
You know who wouldn’t lose Sandra Bullock? Agent Jack Bauer.
The Wicker Man (2006) – Now this is a movie I actually recommend that you see. Nic Cage is BONKERS in this movie. You’ll laugh so much you’ll forget how uneasy the original with Christopher Lee made you.
This is actually just Nic Cage’s pre-coitus ritual.
Wolfman (2010) – While this version of the Wolfman does manage to deliver an impressive amount of blood, most of the scares are deliberate AHHH-A-GUY-JUST-JUMPED-INTO-FRAME moments and you’ll forget all about the plot after watching one of 15,000 scenes of people travelling through mists in this movie.
All Benicio Del Toro had to do for this was not shave for 12 hours.
Well, I’m exhausted. Did I miss any? Do any of these movies not belong on this list? Should we petition to have the negatives for most of these movies burned? Leave your thoughts below!
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