Today in news that isn’t our business and doesn’t affect our lives whatsoever but still somehow fascinates us, Jessica Biel will be taking Justin Timberlake‘s last name. Yep, that’s right: whenever that inevitable 7th Heaven reunion special is filmed, look for Jess to appear in the credits as JESSICA TIMBERLAKE, OOH LA LA.
Oh, you think you’re above a reunion special or variety show? SO DID THEY, JESSICA. SO DID THEY.
I think the name change is worth mentioning just because it doesn’t seem to happen in Hollywood all that often. In fact, the only instance of a Hollywood name-change I can think of off the top of my head is when Roseanne Barr (temporarily) became Roseanne Arnold about a bazillion years ago. Sure, lots of non-celeb spouses take their famous husbands’ names (and there is Jenna Dewan-Tatum, but it’s not like she was a YOOGE star before marrying Channing Tatum UGH YOU LUCKY WHORE), but the already-famous tend to stick with their names. Unless, of course, you’re the traditional sort, or you want to–I don’t know–mark your territory? OH I WENT THERE, JESSICA.
I am hoping, however, that Jessica does not also take Justin’s friends as well as his surname, because what one of his pals did as a wedding gift/prank sort of thing is truly grosser than gross. Justin’s friend Justin Huchel (I know what you’re thinking and yes, Justin Timberlake only befriends people named Justin) made a video for the couple that was shown to the guests of the swanky nuptials. Want to see it? It’s really rad:
Yeah. YEAH. Yep. How ’bout them apples?
Huchel has, of course, gotten all litigious about his TURDALLY HILARIOUS VIDEO hitting the Internet, because ONLY HE should be able to choose who sees his disgusting exploitation of the homeless/mentally ill/people who will never see one lousy percent of the Biel-Timberlake household’s annual earnings in their collective lifetimes. And that sort of begs the question: if you’re so upset about your gross video getting out…maybe don’t make it in the first place? Oh, but what do I know? I’m just a regular empathetic person with a heart, not a class act like Justin Huchel. MY NAME’S NOT EVEN JUSTIN, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.
But Jessica? Maybe conveniently forget to invite Justin H. to, like, EVERY SOCIAL GATHERING YOU EVER HAVE FOREVER. You don’t need friends like those.
ALL OUTTA HUCHEL.