If you’re wondering why your grocery store is out of Entenmann’s and Ben and Jerry’s, it’s because love is truly dead. Donezo, finito, six feet under, poof – gone.
Amy Poehler and Will Arnett busted us up pretty good, but that was only 9 years of marriage. Now that evil monster Divorce has clawed its way into the Hollywood Marriage Overachievers Club (est. 1958 by Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman). After 30 years of marriage, the hilarious, adorable, and vertically challenged Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are splitting up, according to TMZ and multiple other sources. Because you’re damn right I checked multiple sources. And not because I consider myself some kind of journalist. I just didn’t want it to be true.
The separation was announced without any particular cause cited, not that anyone ever announces that sort of thing. I just…I’m really tired, guys. I think I need to lie down a second.
Can you pass me that plate of Zingers? Thanks. Just balance ‘em on my tummy.
What chance do any of us have when 30-year soulmate marriages crumble, you know? Why even bother trying to find love if you’re still searching, only to find out 30 years down the road that you can’t stand each other? I’m so depressed! Is there truly any hope?
Rita and Tom, you bear the torch now—please don’t let our light go out.