Mariah Carey De-Stresses With Massage Longer Than Your Conference Call Feels

10/25/2012 11:00 am by

Feeling down and tired? Stressed out from drama with your coworkers? Run down by your kids? Why not treat yourself to an EIGHT-HOUR MASSAGE! What? That sounds insane, outrageously expensive, and completely overboard? Well, we can’t all be Mariah Carey. I like to repeat that to myself while I’m falling asleep. “I can’t be Mariah Carey. Not everybody can be Mariah Carey. I’ll never be Mariah Carey. Amen.”

tumblr m94ujjwpGQ1r9ahfuo1 500 Mariah Carey De Stresses With Massage Longer Than Your Conference Call Feels

Only Mariah Carey can be as Mariah Carey as Mariah Carey. Reportedly the singer/American Idol judge enjoyed a relaxing massage at her LA home for the duration of the average American’s work day, whilst dozing in a blissful half sleep to the sounds of Sacha Baron Cohen’s Bruno playing on endless repeat – and no, I didn’t make that part up, how could I make something that awesome up? I’m not a scientist, guys. I didn’t even have a five-hour massage this week. How am I supposed to operate under these servile conditions?

The masseuse was compensated accordingly, of course, and the extended session set the diva back a measly $1,500. In the world of celebrity beauty treatments that’s actually… not that ridiculous to me. It’s probably not even the most expensive thing she bought that day. I guarantee* her twins and/or tiny dogs and/or Nick Cannon have disposable poo-towels more expensive than that.

*Do not guarantee, but totally plausible come on.

mariah carey 590x442 Mariah Carey De Stresses With Massage Longer Than Your Conference Call Feels

Stress just got served.

Whether Carey’s ongoing American Idol drama with Nicki Minaj was to blame, her two darling bundles of joy, or a shortage of soy-nut lattes, she obviously needed some serious relaxation therapy and called in the heavy artillery.

This is hardly the most outrageous thing Mariah Carey has ever done, given her history of mental instability and the existence of the movie Glitter. Thirty years of princess diva super-rich musical stardom will do that to you, though marriage to Nick Cannon and motherhood seem to have calmed her down somewhat. Or all those glorious massages. Something like that.

I’m going to be honest: I don’t even think this is that objectionable. Do you know how much money I would pay for an all-day massage and the eight hours to sit by myself and enjoy it? A LOT. Because that sounds great. My tip jar is right over here.

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About Jamie Jamerson

Jamie, aka The Grumbles, cries every day that an update on the cast of My Monkey Baby isn't released. Her tears could fill a river of regret. She blogs at Grumbles and Grunts.

Filed Under: Celebrities, Celebrity Moms, Gossip, Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon, Nicki Minaj, The Stars Aren't Like Us, WTF? Tagged With: , , ,


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  • http://twitter.com/sarahesinfield Sarah

    I might go on record saying that this is one of the most sensible things I’ve heard of a celebrity doing. Also – I WANT!

  • http://twitter.com/Avath Avath

    8 hour massage? Didn’t she get hungry? Didn’t nature call? Didn’t she get BORED? I bet her massage therapist needed a massage after supplying that massage. Didn’t the massage therapist get hungry or get called by nature? Or did a few massage therapists work in shifts? Did the $1500 include tips?

    • http://twitter.com/thegrumbles the grumbles

      A lunch hour and a 15 minute break every 4 hours? Orthopedic shoes?

  • http://twitter.com/heirtoblair Beth Anne

    I’d pay for that in a heartbeat.

  • http://twitter.com/notsuperjustmom Miranda

    I would almost pay $1500 to have someone NOT touch me for 8 hours. But yeah, an 8 hour massage sounds fantastic.

    • thepapermama

      Ditto.

    • http://www.facebook.com/traceygaughranperez Tracey Gaughran-Perez

      Oh my god, when my daughter was little, I used to get “touched-out,” totally. MOMMY JUST NEEDS TO NOT BE TOUCHED AGAIN FOR FIVE MINUTES, IS THAT OKAY WITH EVERYONE?!? *gurgle*

  • thepapermama

    WHOA! I’d like to NOT be touched for that long.

  • MollyGMartin

    I bet she felt AWFUL the next day, though…drowning in lactic acid. So there.

  • Tyskkvinna

    That seems kind of inexpensive for the service, actually.

  • Snarky_Amber

    Do not want. An hour massage is enough for me…for like a year. I’m fairly certain if I had an eight hour massage I wouldn’t be able to hold my head up or sit upright.

  • Jon

    I dislike that Mariah has done something so seemingly sensible and non diva-ish. Are we sure the massage and movie were not for her dog? I would like that better.