Feeling down and tired? Stressed out from drama with your coworkers? Run down by your kids? Why not treat yourself to an EIGHT-HOUR MASSAGE! What? That sounds insane, outrageously expensive, and completely overboard? Well, we can’t all be Mariah Carey. I like to repeat that to myself while I’m falling asleep. “I can’t be Mariah Carey. Not everybody can be Mariah Carey. I’ll never be Mariah Carey. Amen.”
Only Mariah Carey can be as Mariah Carey as Mariah Carey. Reportedly the singer/American Idol judge enjoyed a relaxing massage at her LA home for the duration of the average American’s work day, whilst dozing in a blissful half sleep to the sounds of Sacha Baron Cohen’s Bruno playing on endless repeat – and no, I didn’t make that part up, how could I make something that awesome up? I’m not a scientist, guys. I didn’t even have a five-hour massage this week. How am I supposed to operate under these servile conditions?
The masseuse was compensated accordingly, of course, and the extended session set the diva back a measly $1,500. In the world of celebrity beauty treatments that’s actually… not that ridiculous to me. It’s probably not even the most expensive thing she bought that day. I guarantee* her twins and/or tiny dogs and/or Nick Cannon have disposable poo-towels more expensive than that.
*Do not guarantee, but totally plausible come on.
Whether Carey’s ongoing American Idol drama with Nicki Minaj was to blame, her two darling bundles of joy, or a shortage of soy-nut lattes, she obviously needed some serious relaxation therapy and called in the heavy artillery.
This is hardly the most outrageous thing Mariah Carey has ever done, given her history of mental instability and the existence of the movie Glitter. Thirty years of princess diva super-rich musical stardom will do that to you, though marriage to Nick Cannon and motherhood seem to have calmed her down somewhat. Or all those glorious massages. Something like that.
I’m going to be honest: I don’t even think this is that objectionable. Do you know how much money I would pay for an all-day massage and the eight hours to sit by myself and enjoy it? A LOT. Because that sounds great. My tip jar is right over here.