American Idol has proven itself to be equal parts launch pad and diving board for up-and-coming musicians. Sure it’s had its fair share of really shitty politics with the judges, but I’m going to take a shot in the dark and say that the producers are remarkably pleased with their most recent judge’s table addition, Nicki Minaj.
I’m sorry, hold on just a tick, my cheek is sore from all of the tongue-pressing. While I’m doing that, you should watch the video of the shenanigans.
[Transcript]
Nicki: Think I’m playin? Think this sh*t is a f*cking joke? Think it’s a joke? Think it’s a joke? Think it’s a joke? Say one more disrespectful thing to me, if you say one more disrespectful thing to me — off with your head!
Mariah: I am not being disrespectful.
Nicki: Off with your head, off with your head.
Nicki: Don’t tell me I’m insecure, don’t tell me I’m inadequate … you gonna get sent [inaudible] just fall back; don’t … you don’t know [inaudible] I don’t feel inadequate. You’re the insecure one sittin’ up there running down her resume every five minutes.
Nicki: Every time you take a shot at me I’ma take it back, and if you gotta f*cking problem then handle it. I told them, I’m not f*cking putting up with your f*cking highness over there … figure it the f*ck out. Figure it out.
Mariah: whyyyy, whhyyyyy …
Nicki: Figure it out
Mariah: … do I have a 3-year-old sitting around me???
Nicki: I’m not sitting here for 20 minutes and having you run down your resume everyday, No! Goodbye!
Mariah: Listen … I can’t see my kids because you decided to make … to have … to have a little baby fit and going all around the stage.
Nicki: Good, well then go see them now, go see them now … you’re boring as f*ck, you’re boring as f*ck.
What a happy family. No?
Now if I were an aspiring superstar in Charlotte, North Carolina, I think I might be pissed and flattered that Nicki Minaj went to verbal blows with Mariah Carey over my performance. But then again I’m of the strong conviction that my shower has “great acoustics” so, perhaps there would never be any shit slinging over the quality (or rather, lack thereof) during my audition.
Seriously though, ladies. You are judges. Your job is to have a difference of opinion on the auditions. It would be the most dimensionless show to watch beyond the initial audition round if everyone agreed completely on the talent. As for me, I’m all for watching people go ape shit on each other. This snafu though…totally predictable. I mean Nicki does That Thing when she sings that lets the masses on to the fact that she’s a lotta little bit bat shit. You know the thing I’m talking about. The possessed mind-fuckery in the bridge of her songs where you’re like, “This song is so catchy, ‘Starships were meant to…’ Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up here. Where the fuck did that noise come from? Her ass?! Does her sphincter have teeth?!”
“You want to lose your teeth, kid. I fucking dare you to have sweet dreams.”
In sum, the cuckoo bird of this generation of music (hold me) told off the diva of the past with colorful expletives and a dig at her “highness”. Hey kids, sometimes when you get two really strong personalities in the same room, there are going to be tender egos and merciless rage.
So I thank you, American Idol producers, for perfectly setting this stage. Fall appears to be shaping up rather nicely.
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