This recap marks a low point in my otherwise perfectly distinguished (shutup) recapping career. I am attempting to recap a show I did not actually watch. I know, right? It’s like I have ONE THING to do and I managed to screw it up. I should be beaten with a whip of exposed zippers.
My DVR decided not to record the episode for some mysterious reason, and YES, I could have easily recorded one of a million other showings (or watched it online or on demand or etc.)…but when I realized it wasn’t recording I switched over to Lifetime JUST IN TIME to see Sonjia’s auffing. Oh. Okay then. That sucks. And wow, so does EVERY LOOK ON THAT RUNWAY MY GOD.
So my apologies, but I simply could not work myself up into giving enough of a shit. So instead, I shall recap the episode based solely on a handful of photos from the Lifetime site and my knowledge of every past “avant garde” challenge in the history of Project Runway, because seriously: they are all the fucking same.
(This writing process really takes me back to my English classes in college. I can’t even count the number of papers and essay questions I complete bullshitted my way through, having read exactly none of the source material.)
(Pro Tip: When in doubt, bring up Christ Symbolism. There is almost always some Christ Symbolism.)
“Welcome, designers, to the stupid avant garde challenge, in which exactly none of you will produce something remotely avant garde. Also, we’ve just spent about 85% of your allotted challenge time shlepping you out to this random place when we could have easily run a Google Image Search on those fancy damn HP computers instead.”
“You are to draw inspiration from statues, L’Oreal makeup and the clean, modern lines of an HP inkjet printer. You have 90 seconds.”
“Also, Billy B. He was advised at some point that this outfit looked cooler with his hands in his pockets. Don’t argue with him or look his directly in the eyes. He may very well murder us all.”
“I am so goddamned screwed.”
“I am so goddamn overrated.”
“I’m thinking about putting one wash-away blue streak in my HAIR. Life got DARK, you guys.”
“mumble if I don’t fucking win fucking something I’m gonna roll my eyes SO HARD mumble mumble”
“Has anyone noticed that I’m still here? No? Cool. My plan is totes working, then.”
“Hi! We all spent more time getting dressed and prettied up for this episode than the designers spent sewing! This is the best job ever! Thanks, Lifetime!”
“Heeeeeyyyyy Heidi Kors Nina bleeeeeaaaarghhhhwhatever.”
Congratulations to Dmitry, who won the challenge. At least according to several reputable online sources, anyway. Because once again ProjRun seems to think avant garde basically translates to “take a fairly normal look and tack a big ass collar on it.”
Or “take a fairly normal look and put a weird-ass shrug on top of it.”
(That thing on her butt reminds me of that fake photo of the lotus seed pod boob, BTW.)
Or “take a fairly normal look and put a weird-ass shrug WITH a big-ass collar on it.”
(My God, it’s like ProjRun avant garde bingo!)
OR I KNOW PUT A BIRD ON IT.
“We’re sorry, Sonjia. While you KINDA met the big-ass collar criteria, you used illusion netting, which is always a crime against fashion and people with non-illusion-netting skin tones. You are also ironically wearing the ruffled denim shirt that caused Internet Recapper Amalah to erroneously declare you to be this season’s ‘spunky earnest sort with a questionable taste level.’ She was very wrong about that and is sorry to see you go, especially since it sounds like there might have been some producer shenanigans involving ‘missing’ fabric? She wouldn’t know, because she didn’t watch, because she is so goddamn tired of this goddamn show these days.”