I’ve pretty much come to terms with the fact that I will never be an internationally recognized celebrity. I will not be a Lady Gaga. Or a JK Rowling. Or – as per my weak ankles and aversion to busted knees – Nancy Kerrigan.
And yet, while I haven’t lived the life of a celebrity, I am not the least bit deterred in my dream to retire like a celebrity.
What would my fantasy celebrity retirement look like, you ask? I have a few potential mentors.
Phoebe Cates Kline
Best known as The Girl In The Bikini in the 1982 movie Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Cates Kline starred in a few more cinema gems in the 80s and 90s before retiring in her early 30s. Currently living in New York City with her husband Kevin Kline and their two children, Cates Kline opened a little gift shop on Madison Avenue to putter around in. An excellent notion. I used to think up monikers for my rock band. Nowadays, I jot down great names for my retirement gift shop.
In 2000, country music legend Garth Brooks retired at the ripe old age of 38. Then, in 2004, he partially un-retired. I would also like to keep this option open. For example, during the week, I’d spend some time in my homes in California, Oklahoma, Florida, and Tennessee…you know, rearranging the furniture and counting my 150 millions of dollars. On the weekends, I could jet to Las Vegas, sing a few songs, and be home Sunday, in time for cocoa with my wife. Or husband. Either is fine.
Retiring in 2011 at age 60 to spend more time with his two young sons, Phil Collins can mostly be found in Switzerland home overlooking Lake Geneva. Where his speed boat is docked. Not far from his ski chalet. Across the ocean from his New York City apartment. Must be nice. Not long ago, Collins released a statement to clear up murmurings that he was a “tormented weirdo who thinks he was at the Alamo in another life, who feels very sorry for himself.” Frankly, if I retired with $230 million dollars, I wouldn’t care whether people gossiped about my Davy Crockett delusions. That’s just me.
SCTV funny man and star of the Honey, I Shrunk The Kids franchise, Rick Moranis left show biz in the mid-nineties. And then, while noodling around in his recording studio, he accidentally created a Grammy nominated Best Comedy Album. I’d like to do this – you know, make an acclaimed album in my hobby time and without trying too hard. So much more fulfilling than mahjong.
Michael Jordan, as you know, is a minor league baseball player who retired in 1994 to play basketball.
Heh. Just kidding.
Basketball phenom Michael Jordan is a pro at retiring. Between 1993 and 2003, Jordan retired three times. In comparison, his Chicago Bulls number 23 was retired only once. Private jets, a 56,000-square-foot mansion, and $500 million in net worth help ease a final transition into the golden years. Of course, I might have to settle for a comfy sofa and a good imagination. I can imagine really excellent peanuts served by the flight attendants on my imaginary jet.
What are your dreams for retirement? Which celebrities do you think are doin’ it rite (and which are, well, not so much)?
A big thanks to State Farm for sponsoring this post!
source, source, source, source