Donald Trump is a syndicated relationship advice columnist whose column The Greatest Relationship Advice Column in the History of the World By Donald Trump, has appeared on this website three whole times. He has given unasked-for relationship advice to such celebrities as Anne Hathaway, Rihanna, Tiger Woods and Jesse James, all of whom had their lives enriched immeasurably because of it. DONALD TRUMP!
Dear “President” Barack Obama, if that is your real job title, because no one’s ever shown ME your offer letter or anything,
Do you like surprises? I (Donald Trump) am not a fan, actually. But during all my many successful years on the greatest television program of all time (The Apprentice) (With Donald Trump), I have learned that other people do like surprises. And shocking twists. And the best way to give them what they want is through these things called “teasers” or “promos” which are very complicated insider terms that only very important TV stars like myself (Donald Trump) know about and are smart enough to incorporate into other areas of our highly successful lives.
Which for me mostly means Twitter, these days. And I’ve been “teasing” and “self-promo-ing” (TM) a lot lately that I’m about to drop a “very big” announcement about you on Twitter that will “possibly” change the election because it “borders on gigantic” and I could just tell you but I won’t just yet because LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME DONALD TRUMP. God, I’m so lonely. And I don’t understand why DadBoner won’t follow me back.
But the rumors are that I’ve gotten my oily little mitts on some unsigned, unsubmitted divorce papers that Michelle had drawn up back in 2000 when you guys were going through a rough patch in your marriage, because she thought you were putting your campaign before your family which okay isn’t a cheating scandal but I’ll take it. Because if there’s anything that is completely unacceptable to I, Donald Trump, it’s anything related to divorce, except for those two times I got divorced but that was totally different. Your 12-year-old relationship problems are more than just an irrelevant lowball invasion of your family’s privacy but instead MUST BE TOLD. AND JUDGED! TO TEH TWITTERMOBILE!
Your 12-year-old relationship problems throw everything about you deeply in doubt, because no one else in the history of the world has ever bounced back from serious relationship problems and gone on to celebrate their 20th anniversary and I should know because I’ve never made it to a 20th anniversary IN MY LIFE because I just don’t think it’s American. Also because I’m a terrible, awful drain-clog of a gas-filled human being and maybe on second thought I’ll just tweet about your pot use in college or maybe just ramble nonsensically about Kenya for awhile.
P.S. But seriously, I would make this all go away if you could put in a good word for me to DadBoner and get him to follow me. That guy’s hilar.