Hey, gang, remember Tuesday? When a campaign rep for GOP nominee Mitt Romney let slip that Mittens had been practicing zingers for the Wednesday night presidential debate?
Remember how excited we were at the prospect of a Romney zinger? What would it look like? How would it feel?
Probably like being hit with one of these.
And remember Wednesday around 11:00pm Eastern when we all realized we didn’t get any zingers? *sad trombone*
Never fear, America, I am here to fill the void! (Heh)
This week was chock-a-block with D-List celebrity news stories that garner a zippy one-liner or two. So to make up for the absolute lack of zing-y memories from the first Presidential Debate, I present the Inaugural Edition of The Week in D-List Celebrity Zingers. I’ve even offered several options; think of it as a “Choose Your Own Vaguely Insulting Joke Adventure.” Enjoy!
Hulk Hogan threatens to sue Gawker for posting footage from a sex tape made without his knowledge.
- I wonder if Hulk Hogan knows that most everything happens without his “knowledge.”
- Eh. Andre the Giant and the Snuka Slam: Spring Break Edition was better.
- What am I gonna do when Hulk Hogan comes for me, he asks? Fervently wish to go back in time 15 seconds.
If he doesn’t deliver the summons by way of shouting into a bald guy’s face and pointing at the camera, I quit.
Threatening letter, along with mysterious white powder, mailed to Dancing With the Stars demanding that Bristol Palin be booted from the show.
- “See,” said Bristol, “this is why I never bothered to learn letters. They’re dangerous.”
- Upon hearing the news and being told that authorities considered it a credible threat, Palin replied, “I don’t, like, care if you can eat it. Just find out who sent it.”
- Hey, your mother can see Russia from her house! (Sorry, B.P. My imagination failed me and I’m an agent of the liberal media.)
Stay strong, inexplicably still famous person.
Daryl Hannah arrested.
- Wow! When did they extend the statute of limitations for Failure To Deliver Even a Halfway Convincing Southern Accent?
- Upon reports Hannah was arrested for protesting the Keystone XL pipeline, the outcry rippled across the country: ”Oh no! What’s to become of Oates?”
- See, Fancy Hollywood Agent, she can get arrested in this town, thankyouverymuch.
See? See how much fun that was. I hope all of you prospective leaders of the free world are taking notes. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have important research to do for next time.
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