A London shopping centre (or “center” for us American plebes) is going to pay Rihanna £5 million (or ”8,085,000 dollah dollah billz y’all”) to turn on their Christmas lights. TO TURN ON THEIR CHRISTMAS LIGHTS.
And no, it’s not like she’s being expected to haul the boxes of Christmas decorations out of storage and dig out the strings of lights and untangle those tangly suckers and plug each string in to see if they still work and spend the rest of the night trying to find the one goddamned motherfucking bulb that’s burned out and why don’t these replacement bulbs fit? Why in the name of God aren’t these stupid things standardized and gaaaahhhh that’s a blinking bulb I’m going to have a seizure unplug unplug!
You know, like you’ll be expected to do, in your life. Your sad, pathetic life. How’s the Christmas bonus sitch lookin’ this year?
No, Rihanna will show up and push a button at Westfield in East London. The lights will come on. She will perform a “mini-concert” (because that’s all she’ll be up to, clearly, after the all that button-pushing effort) and then leave. People will shop, their holiday spirits lifted and their credit cards lubricated by getting the chance to stand in a crowd of 20,000 people (seriously) and watch a small brownish area with points push a button and sing a couple songs from three parking lots away.
This particular shopping centre (or “mall,” if you’re nasty) has had an exceptionally good year thanks to the Olympics and is in the mood to blow some serious bank. Treat yo self!
Myf Ryan, general manager for marketing at Westfield, said: “The Christmas light switch-on at Westfield Stratford City is one of the highlights of the festive calendar.
“This year we want to thank our loyal shoppers by giving them something they’ll never forget.”
Weirdly enough, there’s a Westfield shopping mall near my house. This Christmas it’s getting Santa and I think a Cinnabon.