Kristen Stewart is already the face of Balenciaga‘s new fragrance Florabotanica, her first “official endorsement.” For most celebrities this just means a few photo shoots, maybe a commercial or two or a smattering of good PR on the red carpet, but how exactly does one best leverage the inexplicable fame of a tortured teenage vampire drama star? By weeding through thousands of fan-generated questions in a live interview via the internet! –BONK! Of course!
Kristen agreed to sit down with French Vanity Fair editor Virginie Mouzat earlier this month and the results may have left Balenciaga scratching their chins and wondering exactly what they’d gotten themselves into.
Fear not, Balenciaga and Kristen’s future luxury brand sponsors – I’ll give you 5 great reasons to keep Kristen Stewart’s endorsement future alive and burning bright:
1. She doesn’t know. I don’t know, she just doesn’t know. She sure doesn’t know a lot of things, about the fragrance, or how the process works, or how she feels. The amount of things she ummmm doesn’t know is staggering.
It costs a lot of expensive money to buy apathy that genuine, and nothing says luxury like paying people to endorse things they’re too busy to care about.
2. “Luckily I like the smell of the fragrance, so I don’t have to lie about it.” Look, this is brand marketing GOLD. She’s there (sort of) and more importantly she’s telling you clearly that she’s not lying this time.
When she’s the face of your new hair care line she can say things like, “I put it on my head once,” and, “It has a smell, and ummm I don’t know, it’s alright.” My advice? GET HER UNDER CONTRACT NOW.
3. Kristen has a deep rooted understanding of style, like all that stuff she knows about French people. They’re super stylish and “chick,” they wear high heels while riding motorcycles, and they’re just so super French. “I’m really not BSing right now. It’s so categorically French.”
It’s not bullshit at all! This is the face of your spring collection.
4. According to Kristen Stewart herself the goal of fashion photography is to convey inner emotion, something she’s terrible at and physically unable to do. So why would you hire someone with the emotional range of an angry brick to be the visual heartbeat of your campaign? Because FASHION, that’s why! Angsty half-baked robot is so hypothetically the new black.
5. Here’s a question selected especially for the live interview: “How can I get my parents to buy me this?” Ah, and here we have the actual reason to hire Kristen Stewart for anything ever, despite the sullen, darkened promises of reasons 1-4.
She’s a slam dunk hole in one regardless of her “best qualities” thanks to the buying power of her hordes of blindly adoring young fans and their parent’s pocketbooks. Get ‘em young, keep ‘em forever.
“My mind isn’t allowing me to go any further with this.” – I know Kristen, me neither. But if these are the kinds of things you’re going to say in public, sure, stick around a while.
(And if you haven’t had your painfully awkward chuckles today, see flashback below. You’re welcome.)