Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Well, all of us at MamaPop, located here in Internet-land, hope you are all having a pretty amazing Thanksgiving holiday. Friends and family. Food and wine. The crippling and never-ending sadness of being forever banished to the kiddie table just because you yanked off Uncle Sal’s prosthetic leg ONCE because you thought he was lying about being in Vietnam.
We’ve thrown him FIVE parades, but he keeps asking for more…
Where was I?
Oh yeah, Thanksgiving! Well, today is all well and good, but tomorrow is where the real fun begins. Black Friday. The day where all civility goes right out the door all in the name of savings. Not just any savings, but BIG savings. It’s a day where you can walk away with an extra TV you didn’t need, resting easy knowing you saved the exact amount of money you would have spent to just not have to put up with Black Friday in order to get it.
Bloodbath & Beyond
Well, if you’re like me, music is the perfect thing to have with you for any given situation in life. Not only does it help give you an auditory hallmark for remembering certain events in your life, it can also help you get into the right mindset required for any given situation. Having the right playlist (which is like a mixtape but for people who have no idea what a mixtape is) can help you conquer any given day or situation. So, as you get ready to go camp out at your favorite store in order to get a deal on the toy your kids will simply die without come December 25th, I’d like to present you with my Black Friday playlist! Each track is fine tuned for each given phase of the day that you’ll go through on Black Friday.
Phase 1 – You’ve left Thanksgiving dinner early in order to camp out overnight at the store, convinced you’ll be first in line and that Black Friday will be different this year.
Track 1 – “Blitzkrieg Bop” – The Ramones
Phase 2 – You arrive at the store to discover you’re about 75 people deep. Also, you’ve neglected to bring a proper sleeping bag, provisions, and your through-the-night survival is in question.
Track 2 – “The Sun Ain’t Gonna Shine Anymore” – The Walker Brothers
Phase 3 – You’ve managed to survive the night. Sure, you might lose a couple of those toes, but it’s not your big toes and there’s murmuring going through the line that the store is about to open. That smell? That smell is hope. Also, the guy behind you has been peeing in a Sprite can.
Track 3 – “Today” – Smashing Pumpkins
Phase 4 – It’s definitely about to happen. The doors are going to open, you’re going to get the thing you need and then you are going home and throwing away all of your Sprite. Time to get your game face on.
Track 4 – “The Trooper” – Iron Maiden
Phase 5 – THE DOORS ARE OPEN! THE DOORS ARE OPEN! COMMERCE AND CIVILITY WILL TRIUMPH!
Track 5 – “Victory” – The soundtrack from Home Movies – Brendan Small
Phase 6 – After holding the door so that the woman in front of you could enter the store, you have been pushed by Johnny Pee-Sprite to the ground and are in the process of being trampled. It’s almost like a zombie movie, but if the zombies’ only desire was to walk over you violently. You pray you live to see the electronics department. You strongly consider blacking out so as to spare yourself another moment of your stomping.
Track 6 – “Why Can’t We Be Friends?” – War
Phase 7 – The sheer flow of people has managed to surge in such a fashion that you’ve been lifted up off of the ground, out of your impending doom, and are now back on your feet and back in the game. To your left, two women are gouging each others’ eyes out as they thrash each other over a World Peace Cookie Monster doll. To your right, a child cries out as they are pinned underneath an off-brand microwave oven in their shopping cart. Truly this is the downfall of civilization. But, you know, whatever. GET YOUR ASS TO ELECTRONICS!
Track 7 – “Dancing With Myself” – Billy Idol
Phase 8 – You’ve made it. Electronics. There, on the shelf, is the last of that video game system. The one with the EXTREME name like XWii 50060. The one that will be obsolete in a year. The one that you desperately need not to pay an EXTREME sale price for, befitting its EXTREME name and grapics. It’s almost in your grasp until an 88-year-old man tries to pick it up at the same time as you. This will not end well.
Track 8 – “Immigrant Song” – Led Zeppelin
Phase 9 – Up until this point in your life you thought the term “the Greatest Generation” meant something else entirely. It turns out it was primarily about how great they were at punching. Your face hits the floor just in time to watch his walker shuffle away with your prize. It’s hard to see straight or remember where you live. Also you might be thinking in Korean…
Track 9 – “Bohemian Polka” – Weird Al Yankovic
Phase 10 – From your vantage point on the floor, there, like the light at the end of the brain damage you get before you die, one last video game system that fell behind the shelf…and it’s just within your reach…GRAB IT!
Track 10 – “Joyful Joyful, We Adore Thee (Ode to Joy)” – Music by Ludwig Von Beethoven, Lyrics by Henry Van Dyke, Movie footage by the best parts of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Commando.
Phase 11 – Video game system in hand, you make your way to the check out line. The 2-and-a-half-hour-wait check out line.
Track 11 – “Where is My Mind?” – The Pixies
Phase 12 – As you slide your credit card through the reader, the mental trauma and internal bleeding you suffered this Black Friday seems much less horrifying. You have the ONE thing you set out to get and, by the looks of things, the store is only getting worse. You’re home free.
Track 12 – “99 Problems (Remix)” – DJ Danger Mouse featuring Jay Z and The Beatles.
Phase 13 – You’ve made it. You’re home. You bought the game system that will ensure your kid’s undying love (for about 3 hours) and your back at home promising yourself that you will NEVER do this again. Of course, now you’ve got to wait until Christmas to enjoy the fruits of your sacrifice…
Track 13 – “I Wish It Was Christmas Today” – Julian Casablancas
Be safe shopping this Black Friday everyone! Remember, just go limp if you find yourself getting trampled. Have any other track suggestions to go on our Black Friday playlist? Leave them in the comments below!
About Joe Lyons
