Look, I don’t pay a lot of attention to The Life and Times of Demi Moore. In fact if that was an actual magazine I would surely not subscribe. I find her acting career fleshless and her choice in male companions barf-worthy. I suppose there was a time once in the 90′s where she had some kind of cred (GI Jane) but that was 22 years ago, right? Turns out a lot of things happened 20ish years ago, like the birth of her new paramour.
Fun fact: Demi Moore is married to Ashton Kutcher. Still. Right now. And now. Also, now. I mean it’s really not that “fun,” if such a word could ever be used to describe anything about Ashton Kutcher, and they are “separated,” but that’s still a thing and, full confession, I briefly found Michael Kelso hot. Now let’s talk about her new boyfriend.
Demi Moore’s new boyfriend is 26 years old and his name is Vito Schnabel. (Feel free to forget that last part, it is not particularly relevant.) When he was born, “Papa Don’t Preach” was hitting the charts and Magnum PI was on the television. When Vito was a squalling wriggling pre-human Demi Moore was doing this:
Two years later Demi Moore was doing this:
Welcome to the world, Rumer Willis!
Vito is 2 years older than Demi Moore’s daughter Rumer, which is better than being 2 years younger but still not really that different? I mean don’t we kind of sort these things by age group at this point? And Moore, now age 50, is 24 years her sexy lover’s senior, her sexy-sexxx lover who was two years old when she was pushing a baby out of her witch’s closet. When she picked Rumer up from daycare on set Vito was the babbling sticky-fingered kid coloring on his own face and pooping his pants. Sexy! Demi Moore and her boyfriend’s mother can reminisce about potty-training over dinner! SEX!
[Also, according to the newswire HE'S SHORT. HAHAHA. –Wait, is this a thing we're doing now? Just making fun of people for genetic things they can't control? I thought that only worked on Tom Cruise. Anyway, now is the time to point and laugh or whatever if you hate short people, LIKE ME.]
First Demi Moore’s daughters had to adjust to the idea of their mother dating a young stud that they themselves had filed in the crushbank, but bless their hearts they all learned to live together in relative Hollywood normality. Now her daughters have urged her to, “get over Ashton” and here she is! Getting over it! Getting over her last quasi-controversial relationship and upgrading to a semi-controversial relationship! Are you happy now children? ARE YOU?
But! But! But! Despite the fact that all of the above is he-he-hilarious I have zero problem with their “generationally rich” relationship. After we reach maturity (consenting adulthood) and all our fun-zone parts are fully operational isn’t life kind of a truck-stop free for all? Aren’t we over this already? I mean, yeah, he’s “young” but dude is 26. Twenty. Six. He’s not 16. Pass the No-Doze ’cause zzzzzzzzzzzz. Have fun you crazy kids! Give Madonna a call and you can double date! One time I was listening to a rap song and it told me that we’re all part of one love and also I don’t care about anything Demi Moore does. The song didn’t tell me that last part, I just knew it to be true in my heart. That one love part sounds good though, so, that.