Earaches, High-End Call Girls And The Endless Autumn Bender: Standard Charlie Sheen

Another day, another two thousand dollars. #ThingsCharlieSheensDealerSays

Say it ain’t so, right? Recent Tinsel Town rumors had Charlie Sheen hospitalized for drug issues, but it turns out it was just an ear infection that kept him off the set of Anger Management this past Tuesday. Which makes sense, you know. Because Charlie Sheen’s had ear infections before.

But that doesn’t mean Sheen’s keeping his, um, nose clean, because it seems like earaches aren’t the only things making a comeback in his life. See also: blow, porn, and high-end strippers. This, the news gathered by RadarOnline from a “source” who spends virtually every day with the perennial bad boy.

Cut the guy some slack. At the end of the day, he’s more comfortable smoking crack and watching porn with high-end call girls.

So, hey, you might be asking, what’s the big deal about Sheen doing a shitton of blow, watching porn and gallivanting about with high-end call girls? That’s not a Charlie Sheen story — that’s a Charlie Sheen weekday, right?

Right. But that’s not the story here. NO. See, after Charlie Sheen gets his $2,000 daily blow allotment, he has a little routine of sorts. I mean you can’t just sit there and chop rippers all day. That’s so 80s.

So here’s what Charlie does.

• Step one: add a dash of baking soda to cocaine and cook into crack.
• Step two: smoke epic amounts of it.
• Step three: walk around aimlessly, alternating between making small talk with your guests and tweaking.
• Step four: Space out.
• Step five: Watch porn.
• Step six: Call the high-end call girls.
• Step seven: repeat.

He should write a book and call it The Seven Habits of Effectively High People or something. Anyway, through these seven habits of the effectively high, Charlie learned of a little problem.

It turns out that one of his high-priced companions has a little case of the down-there insecurities. So she did what any other sensible stripper with an ugly split knish would do. She confided in Charlie and begged the actor to bankroll a vaginal rejuvenation operation. You know, on top of the 25 grand he pays for her company. Because that’s her JOB, people. HELLO? You can’t just give it away.

But you can hope to get some fringe benefits outta the deal, especially when one of your clients (a) possesses such a rare capacity for empathy and (b) is a sucker for a super good-looking vagina.

Now that you mention it, I totally see what you mean. It *is* kinda homely. You need it to look more like the one that belongs to that stripper over there.

But that’s not all, folks. No, it’s not. Because on top of buying her a prettier pooswah (it’s French), he also bought her a car.

Because, seriously, how in the world can a girl get work done on her fa-la-la without a car? You know, to drive to the place where the highly skilled surgeon will turn that Willie-Nelson lookalike into something a little more presentable?

Anyway, as sorry as I am to hear that Charlie’s back on the crack, I am at least relieved to learn it hasn’t affected his heart. Because, truly, at the end of the day we’re all just people, y’all. Even those of us with ugly chambers of solitude. And it’s nice to know this simple fact of humanity isn’t lost on him.

Because truly, y’all, say what you want about him, but Charlie Sheen really cares…what your vagina looks like.

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