NEW PARENTS! You can finally rest easy (although not literally because — HA! — you’re not getting any sleep, homes): Six from Blossom is here to give you parenting advice! Because she’s been a parent for six whole months and knows just about everything about everything!
Need some tips in posing awkwardly in front of a sectional sofa? SHE’S YOUR GIRL.
Together with her husband Brad Bratcher, Jenna von Oy, actor-turned-musician-turned-author (???), welcomed baby girl Gray Audrey into the world way back in May. Congratulations, guys! Since then, von Oy has embarked upon the uncharted waters of–get this–BLOGGING ABOUT MOTHERHOOD. I know, right? Get out of here with your crazy unorthodox ideas, nutty lady who is obviously from THE FUTURE.
OK, that was a little unfair — especially coming from me, a woman who has done her fair share of blogging about parenthood. Look, I get it: when you have a baby, it is like THE BIGGEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ANYONE ANYWHERE, and it’s futile to resist the urge to talk/write/blog/cry about it whenever and wherever you can. My general rule of thumb is that new parents have a grace period of one year to blab about nothing but parenthood and/or behave as though they are the first ones to ever have a baby. Once that kid hits one, though? Time to gain a little perspective and realize that maybe–JUST MAYBE–you do not know everything there is to know about small squalling people fresh from the brewster. By this logic, von Oy technically has six (HA! SIX — get it?) more months to ramble on about OMG BABIES WAKE YOU UP AT NIGHT! and WOW BREASTFEEDING AMIRITE?! before she needs to take a knee. So I know I’m being rather cranky about her new blogging career, but you guys? I just…let me share with you a bit of what she’s putting out there:
“Any mom who tells you she absolutely never has alone time is either lying or damn-near ready to be fitted for her straightjacket!”
“If showering is so abysmally tough to conjure up the time for, exercising the right to have some ‘mommy me-time’ is as farfetched as a cow jumping over the moon. (Or anything jumping over the moon, for that matter…) … I know, I know, ‘me-time’ sounds like a miracle, to say the least … something akin to winning the lottery twice or seeing the Virgin Mary on a loaf of Wonder bread. If shaving my legs has become a thing of the past, you ask, how can I possibly find time to do something relaxing such as curling up with a good novel or sipping tea in front of the bay window? The simple (but, as you know, not so simple at all) answer is: you make time. For your sake and the sake of your children!”
FOR THE CHILDREN THE CHILDREN WE MUST SIP TEA FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREEEEEEN.
“Sometimes, to take the edge off, we try to combine household projects with activities we enjoy. For instance, Brad often fires up his iPod with a favorite music list and mows the lawn. Combining the outdoors with tunes and physical labor makes him zone out blissfully. Other times, he irons while watching political discourse on his computer. Of course, I can’t swear this relaxes him, per se. I’m often surprised his work shirts don’t have holes burned into them in the shape of certain outspoken, ostentatious commentators. That said, at least he’s found a way to enjoy the mundane task at hand.”
YOU CAME UP WITH THE IDEA OF IRONING WHILE WATCHING TV WHAT ARE YOU A WITCH?!
“Hearing about a growing number of women with postpartum depression makes me recognize my own demand for quietude.”
SIX. TELL ME YOU DID NOT COMPARE THE DESIRE TO SIP TEA IN FRONT OF A BAY WINDOW WITH POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION.
Am I just being overly critical here? Yeah, maybe. But guys — this woman is dishing out advice after a grand SIX MONTHS on the job, not to mention she came up with the phrase “If showering is so abysmally tough to conjure up the time for…” and is set to PUBLISH A BOOK IN THE NEAR FUTURE. Yeah. Yeeeeaaaah.
Sorry, Six. I just can’t do your blog. But hey — that’s just my opinonation.
Get it, gurl.