Is there anything happening in the world today? Other than women eating or not eating while considering or not considering our thoughts on that? And if so, do we care?
Pop singer-turned-reality-TV-star-turned-mogul Jessica Simpson didn’t lose 60 pounds of her self-reported 70-pound pregnancy weight gain. She gained 115 headlines.
“Jessica Simpson has lost an astonishing amount of weight.” ”Jessica Simpson shows off skinny bod.” ”Jessica’s incredible post-baby weight loss!” Okay, Every Celebrity News Site Ever: I feel like you’re trying to tell me something…
Wait. Did Jessica Simpson’s pant size change? Are we mad about it? No? We’re happy about it. Because she’s happy? No? Oh because her jeans are smaller than they used to be. Is there a denim shortage no one told me about? No? We just feel better when she takes up less room on the bus?
And what is Jessica Simpson doing that we can all see how small her pants are? What enabled this collective sigh of relief? Oh she was working? She was at an event for her clothing line, The Jessica Simpson Collection, a juggernaut of retail earnings for major department stores like Macy’s? Thank goodness approximately half of your reporters (or caption writers) took care of sharing that minor detail, otherwise aren’t we just posting a picture of a human being and sizing them up like a overly articulate Thanksgiving turkey?
Does Jessica Simpson know that Oscar nominee Anne Hathaway also lost some weight? For a film in which she plays a starving single mom in Revolutionary France? And people are thrilled about it, except when they’re furious? Because Hathaway forgot to ask permission to change the shape of her own body? Did Jessica forget to ask permission to change her body, too (like she clearly did when she hauled off and gained a bunch of weight with little or no regard for how it might make us feel)? Is that why everyone’s talking about her?
Why is this entire blog comprised of rhetorical questions? Is it because every time you think our focus on the changing shapes of female celebrities’ bodies can’t possibly be more asinine, you discover that–HUZZAH–you are mistaken? Is it because, as a pop culture blogger, you expect to OCCASIONALLY tune in to the morning non-news expecting to see something, ANYTHING discussing any topic other than what a woman weighs?
Hmmmm. Hard to say.