Everyone has been various levels of queasy ever since it was announced that a Star Wars sequel was going to happen. This is because there’s always a lot of hand-wringing when it comes to anything Star Wars-related. Shit is emotional.
But now everyone has calmed down and realized that there’s a lot of money to be made. Chief among these Mensa members is Harrison Ford, who announced that he would be open to donning his Han Solo vest once more. Mark Hammill is, of course, super pumped about possibly playing Luke Skywalker again, to which everyone replied, “Yes, we KNOW, dude. Settle.”
The obvious punchline here is that Ford is now 70 and watching him reprise his classic roles from the 1980s has been kind of awkward to watch. I paid actual money for me, my husband, and my kid to see the last Indiana Jones movie, which was just such a clusterfuck. In the midst of partially covering my face as Ford Danny Glover-ed about with his, “I’m too old for this shit,” schtick, my husband got a call that my father-in-law had had a heart attack. So, yeah, I find Ford’s attempts to recapture that glory a little traumatizing by association. Fortunately, my kid was young enough that I don’t think he remembers it, so the Indiana Jones trilogy is more or less untarnished for him.
It’s not that I think it’s weird or wrong for older actors to have starring roles, even in action movies. But I’m not at all confident that the new Star Wars won’t just be lazy and center all of its sly humor on the fact that its heroes are old enough to be grandparents. This could be a really interesting installment, but I just think that they’ll focus more on making it as easy to digest and profit. It will undoubtedly make a gazillion dollars, but will probably do so at the expense of quality storytelling. And the dialogue will surely play heavily upon the fact that the main characters have all aged and hearken back to Han Solo’s classic quotes. I’m going to go ahead and make some predictions.
Luke: Boy, it’s lucky you have these Depends
Han Solo: I use them for smuggling. I never thought I’d be “smuggling” myself in them. This is ridiculous.
[Playing shuffleboard with Luke]
Han Solo: Great shot, kid! That was one in a million!
Han Solo: Afraid I was going to leave without giving you a goodbye Ensure?
Princess Leia: I’d rather break a hip.
Han Solo: I can arrange that. YOU COULD USE A GOOD ENSURE! YOU LOOK BRITTLE!
Princess Leia: I love you.
Han Solo: What?
Princess Leia: I love you.
Han Solo: Who?
Princess Leia: YOU! I LOVE YOU! JESUS!
Han Solo: I know.
What are your predictions for how terribly this might suck?
About Kelly Delaney
