You know who we haven’t heard from in a while? The Jackson family! Remember last summer when family matriarch and Grandmother Katherine was taken from her residence - against her will, some reported – and her poor grandchildren had the only stable figure in their lives taken away? But things must be all good now, because it’s been quiet lately with the Jackson clan, so…Pardon? What’s that now? Something’s afoot?
Oh dear, misguided, dissolve-into-obscurity-already-Jackson-brother.
Jermaine Jackson cannot take the peace so it seems. Sources confirm that Jermaine is changing his family name from Jackson to…wait for it…you’re not gonna believe how cray-ZEE this is…okay…it’s… Jacksun.
The proposed change comes apparently as “personal choice” and for “artistic reasons.” I didn’t think those Paint-Your-Own-Pottery places really cared what you called yourself, but whatever.
Jackson’s, err, Jacksun’s friend Steve Dennis comments that it’s not unusual for an artist to change his or her name. “Phonetically, it changes nothing,” he says. Awe, eye sea. That makes sense then. But usually when people change their names for their art, it’s a bit more dramatic, like the choices made by Jeffrey Hyman (Joey Ramone) or Prince, when he changed his name from something coherent to a picture of two Praying Mantises getting it on.
Dennis adds: “It is something he has chosen to do, and it’s fair to say that you cannot blame this one on the boogie, you’ve got to blame it on the sunshine.” Well, okay. That’s fair. I have no fucking clue what it means, but I think Dennis needs to stop looking to old Jackson Five albums for his philosophical ideology.
As for the name change, one can understand the desire to pull away from the Jackson moniker. Let’s face it – that’s one family who’ll never be asked to pose for a “Family – It’s All You’ve Really Got” motivational plaque. There’s no word on how family
bully patriarch Joe Jackson feels about his son’s name change. But one could argue that a man plagued by rumors of abusive behavior is owed nothing by any of his children. I will be that one.
Distance yourself, Jermaine. Go big, or go home. You’ve got many years of life left, what with that hyperbaric chamber your brother left you. Why spend those years burdened with the name of a father who has reportedly done cruel things to you and your family? Why tolerate argumentative siblings who just don’t get you? Forget “Jacksun.” If you really want to send a signal, change your name to “Lohan.”
Now that’s a family who’ve got it together.