You know about this whole mess, right? Lindsay Lohan rents a Porsche, plays bumper cars with an 18-wheeler, lies and says she wasn’t driving, then admits she was, which instantaneously makes her guilty of violating the probation she received for stealing some jewelry, which in turn earns her a potential trip to the pokey.
But who cares, because she’s all Liz and Dick this, Liz and Dick that. Only she’s got no choice, because there are promotional requirements when you’re playing Elizabeth Taylor. Which is why Lindsay was all set to give some 20/20 love to Barbara Walters, all while simultaneously stumping for the Lifetime biopic which airs on November 25. And the veteran broadcast journalist was extremely excited about the entire thing because it’s Lindsay’s first major interview in years and, typically speaking, train wrecks pull in kick-ass numbers, especially when they haven’t been interviewed in a while.
Plus, Barbara had the perfect angle. “So, Elizabeth Taylor had a domineering mom and spent much of her public life as a total train wreck. And you have a domineering mom and have spent much of your life as a total train wreck. Expand.”
Only Barbara’s plan blew up when Lohan’s team cock blocked the octogenarian by canceling the interview. The reason cited? Lindsay wasn’t up for it.
Flaky? Sure. But not out of character for someone who wears her fame so tumultuously, or so Barbara seemed to mean when she said, “Poor girl, I hope when she feels like it, she will do it with us.”
But that empathy disappeared when Barbara learned that she’d gotten dissed for Leno. See, it turns out that team Lohan didn’t like the whole “you and Liz — both kinda nuts” approach. And when Barbara caught on, she was left wishing she’d gotten a “more honest explanation.”
Enter the aforementioned domineering mom courtesy of Entertainment Tonight. Dina was seemingly trying to deflect some of the blame from Lindsay, explaining that the diss ”was just a decision that the higher-ups made.” She also went on to say “[Lindsay] really wants to focus on the film and what it’s about and promote that and try to, like, take the onus off of her.”
In the same interview Dina cleared the air about the time Lindsay called her dad, Michael Lohan, and said that Dina was doing blow. Michael recorded it because (a) he’s sneaky like that and (b) you can totally make a shit-ton of money from a taped conversation in which LiLo accuses her mom of doing rippers.
Anyway, it turns out that Lindsay and her mom had been arguing, it got heated and in what Dina described as Lindsay’s “weakest moment,” she called her dad and BOOM — out came the “Mom’s doing cocaine!” lie.
“I hate cocaine,” Dina said, “I don’t do cocaine. I’m so proud of her for telling the truth because it destroyed me. I cried for weeks. It just hurt me so bad and she knew how horrible that was and she came clean and told the truth that she lied.”
Gee, Dina. Way to take the onus off of your daughter’s sordid personal life.
Anyway, Barbara still sees the 20/20 cancellation as a missed opportunity where Lindsay could have “set a lot of things straight.”
She also had a little barb for her decision to appear on Leno. “I love Jay… [But] I think I would have helped her. I think to go on Jay Leno and be adorable and amusing, there’s still all the problems with her.”
So, I just wanna stop here and ask all these people if they hear themselves? Like Barbara, for example. Are you really upset that you missed your opportunity to help LiLo, or are you just pissed that you missed out on a ratings bonanza? Because, and no offense, as venerable as you are, I’ve never exactly considered you to be some super-deep therapeutic genius.
I mean, you are one of those gals on The View, right? Breaking down really deep topics like what Kato Kaelin’s been up to with folks like Joy Behar, Whoopi Goldberg, and that chick who’s married to the quarterback, right? So, seriously, get a hold of yourself there. I’m sure your piece would have been nice, but it wasn’t destined to save Lindsay’s life, okay?
The only folks who could possibly do that would be her inner circle. The people who care most about Lindsay the person. And, in my world, that supposed to be the parents. Which is why I’m beyond disappointed that her mom went on a nationally televised interview and dished out the inside skinny on her daughter’s “weakest moment,” while in the same breath claiming that Team Lindsay wants to keep the focus on Liz and Dick and off the beleaguered star.
Here’s to hoping Lindsay finds a new team.