It appears as though Randy Quaid and wife Evi have finally decided to settle in the Great White North for good. You may remember the Quaids making news back in 2010 when the couple fled the United States for Vancouver, British Columbia pleading refugee status because Starbucks in Brentwood couldn’t get the organic soy milk hot enough in their decaf non-fat extra foam lattes.
Or was it something about their friends being murdered, as they believed Heath Ledger and Keith Carradine were? It’s all a bit blurry, but who can blame the Quaids for their jumbled and convoluted reasons for seeking safe shelter? They were probably just tired. God knows keeping all your conspiracy theories separate can be just exhausting.
But don’t be mistaken; the Quaids did have some valid reasons for leaving the U.S.; there were also those pesky $500,000 bench warrants issued against the couple after the actor and his wife allegedly caused severe vandalism damage to a home they had been renting in California.
Do you see what happens when you don’t get the goddamn milk hot enough, baristas? SHIT GETS TORCHED.
The Quaids have made Canada their permanent home since that time, traveling from Vancouver (think north of Seattle,) east to Quebec (think north of New York) where it appears they may finally be settling. The couple have hired a local real estate representative and are rumored to be considering a 40-acre estate just outside the Canadian capital of Ottawa. The estate includes such amenities as a personal chapel and a sugar shack, where the Quaids can make their own home-bottled “secret sauce” maple syrup.
Unlike the United States, Canada does not restrict national leadership to those born only within its borders. This means that it is entirely possible for Randy Quaid to one day be elected to the highest position in Canada: goaltender for the Toronto Maple Leafs. Or if he so chose, maybe even Prime Minister and Grand Poo-bah of, like, the 17th most powerful nation on earth.
Yes; Cousin Eddie could run on the popular “Shitter Was Full” platform.
Think about it: The world could be privy to things like ”Obama meets Cousin Eddie” photo ops at G12 conventions! Obama would be looking all smart and stuff, talking about things like “foreign policy” and “integral factors in governance of world economies,” and Prime Minister Cousin Eddie would be scratching his ball sack while wearing a dirty tank top and stirring Kool-Aid with his arm.
Please, please Canada. Let this happen.