There’s gonna be a Royal Baby y’all!
Actually, here’s the thing: I feel like maybe I–or WE–shouldn’t even be talking about it because of how this entire thing came out, you know? Kate Middleton is only 8 weeks along or something and currently in the hospital for hyperemesis and we all know that the first trimester can be somewhat of a Danger Zone even WITHOUT hospitalization, and I’ve heard some CRAYZY stories about this hyperemesis nonsense, and there’s no way in hell I’m going to be all snarky about her lady bits and then have something GODAWFUL happen and have that cosmic energy dragging me down for the rest of my life.
So let’s talk about EVERYONE ELSE! Yes, let’s talk about how the globe is reacting to OUR ROYAL UTERUS! (It works for the Royal We, and apparently this extends to uteri. Observe.)
We’re having a baby? I don’t even like it with the father of the damn CHILD says that. I mean, I realize I’m not British and everything, but ehhhh, this feels weird.
And it gets weirder!
IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU, MARIA.
Okay, number one, why is Estelle reading CNN? And, number two, WHAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL ABOUT VOMIT AND DEHYDRATION?! (Wait…does she think they HAD the baby? My god, this is like a thesis for a study on the inability of celebrities to read for understanding and information.)
Totes, Lo. I don’t know about ROYALTY, but I know that, when I’m searching for a babysitter, I often go to Twitter to scan tweets with intentional misspellings.
And, unfortunately, it’s not just celebs. The BBC has put together a photo slideshow like some sort of smitten kitten and Barack and Michelle Obama even released a statement.
Here’s an idea! PPSSSHSHHHSHSHSHHHHHHHHHHTT.
I mean, sure it’s a baby! Yay! Joy! Motherhood and parenthood and fatherhood and really overpriced newborn coats and loafers! But, like? WOMAN IS IN THE HOSPITAL! SHE WAS TRYING TO STILL KEEP THIS PRIVATE. IS NO ONE ELSE NERVOUS? FEEL VOYEURISTIC? CHUGGING KLONOPIN?! NO? WELL, JESUS H, LET’S JUST ALL PRETEND THIS DIDN’T HAPPEN UNTIL THE BABY IS OFFICIALLY BORN, OKAY?!
I’m gonna go lay down.