Kate Middleton Reluctantly Announces Pregnancy, World Rejoices

2013: The Year Of ~~Our~~ Kate Middleton’s Uterus

12/04/2012 10:00 am by Kristine Cook

There’s gonna be a Royal Baby y’all!

Actually, here’s the thing: I feel like maybe I–or WE–shouldn’t even be talking about it because of how this entire thing came out, you know? Kate Middleton is only 8 weeks along or something and currently in the hospital for hyperemesis and we all know that the first trimester can be somewhat of a Danger Zone even WITHOUT hospitalization, and I’ve heard some CRAYZY stories about this hyperemesis nonsense, and there’s no way in hell I’m going to be all snarky about her lady bits and then have something GODAWFUL happen and have that cosmic energy dragging me down for the rest of my life.

::deep breath::

So let’s talk about EVERYONE ELSE! Yes, let’s talk about how the globe is reacting to OUR ROYAL UTERUS! (It works for the Royal We, and apparently this extends to uteri. Observe.)

We’re having a baby? I don’t even like it with the father of the damn CHILD says that. I mean, I realize I’m not British and everything, but ehhhh, this feels weird.

And it gets weirder!

IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU, MARIA.

Okay, number one, why is Estelle reading CNN? And, number two, WHAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL ABOUT VOMIT AND DEHYDRATION?! (Wait…does she think they HAD the baby? My god, this is like a thesis for a study on the inability of celebrities to read for understanding and information.)

Totes, Lo. I don’t know about ROYALTY, but I know that, when I’m searching for a babysitter, I often go to Twitter to scan tweets with intentional misspellings.

What?

And, unfortunately, it’s not just celebs. The BBC has put together a photo slideshow like some sort of smitten kitten and Barack and Michelle Obama even released a statement.

Here’s an idea! PPSSSHSHHHSHSHSHHHHHHHHHHTT.

I mean, sure it’s a baby! Yay! Joy! Motherhood and parenthood and fatherhood and really overpriced newborn coats and loafers! But, like? WOMAN IS IN THE HOSPITAL! SHE WAS TRYING TO STILL KEEP THIS PRIVATE. IS NO ONE ELSE NERVOUS? FEEL VOYEURISTIC? CHUGGING KLONOPIN?! NO? WELL, JESUS H, LET’S JUST ALL PRETEND THIS DIDN’T HAPPEN UNTIL THE BABY IS OFFICIALLY BORN, OKAY?!

I’m gonna go lay down.

source, source, source, source, source, source

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About Kristine Cook

Kristine knows who Arcade Fire is. Sadly, she is also familiar with Teresa Giudice's bubbies, Justin Bieber's hair, and Kanye's tweeting habits. She blogs at Wait in the Van

http://www.josetteplank.com/ Josette Plank

Word. Exactly.
Danielletodd

Yes.
http://twitter.com/thegrumbles the grumbles

YES.
http://twitter.com/ryenerman ryenerman

This makes me so nervous because (TMI time) I miscarried at 9 weeks. I had stupidly told everyone I was pregnant super early so I had to then go and tell everyone I miscarried too. That suuuuuuuuucked. I never told anyone I was pregnant until at least 13 weeks after that. Have two healthy kids now so all ended well, but that experience sticks with me over 10 years later. I feel for them having this news released so damned early.
- http://www.waitinthevan.com Kristine
  
  No, not TMI! This is exactly what I’m worried about. She was forced to out it and, heaven forbid, if something happens, she’ll be forced to experience that in the spotlight too, in the midst of everyone’s ZOMG ROYAL BAYBEEZ tweets. Ugh. xo
Teri

Poor Kate is probably so scared right now. I wish the media would stay out of their business.
- http://www.waitinthevan.com Kristine
  
  AGREED!
AmandaK

Poor Kate! My friend had hyperemesis and was hospitalized at least 19 times while she was pregnant. (She actually counted afterwards because it was just so ridiculous) It was awful to watch so I can’t imagine having it. I would say I hope they get some privacy but HA…yeah right. I do hope she feels better soon.
- http://www.waitinthevan.com Kristine
  
  Right? I heard a story about a woman who traveled to see her mother while in her first trimester and was UNABLE TO RETURN HOME until after she gave birth because she was so sick. Nightmare.
http://www.LetMeStartBySayingBlog.com/ Kim at Let Me Start By Saying

Thank you for telling people to STFU about this. I wrote about having HG and made a plea for people to leave her the hell alone on the UK website I write for, because *crosses fingers” *knocks wood* well…you-know-what. It’s so early, and HG is so dangerous, and paparazzi are a buck of fuckwads. The end.