As the world turns and the tides flow, the good ship Celebrity sails gently from one generation into the next. Famous people everywhere find time in their busy schedules full of money to put their boy and girl parts together and make with the sexytime. Which semi-famous persons are currently abstaining from the party-strength eggnog? Who is wrapping knitted booties in festive paper? And who got caught bouncing on Santa Crimble’s knee in the center of downtown LA, brazenly showing off the expansion-panel in their maternity jeans? (Me. That last one was me. FYI, three years is totally a reasonable amount of time to wear maternity pants.)
Hold on to your ovaries, ladies, and gird your loins from spontaneous fertlization– Sexiest Man Alive Channing Tatum and his wife Jenna Dewan-Tatum confirmed that they are officially expecting their first child. ““I’m ready; I think she’s ready … The first number that pops into my head is three, but I just want one to be healthy and then we’ll see where we go after that.” More importantly, will the infant be born with a perfectly sculpted 12-pack and tear-away pants? And is body oil safe for perennial massage?
I’m so excited!
Kristen Bell, still all stuffed full of Dax Shepard‘s leftovers which are multiplying at an alarming rate into the shape of a sloth, continues in her lifelong effort to shame all other women with her adorableness. “I’m about 367 pounds. I’m not sure how far that is in months, but in pounds, that’s where I’m weighing in.” The 250 lb sloth-baby is due sometime in the spring.
Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Jessica Simpson‘s 2nd pregnancy is kicking into full swing. She shocked the press right after Thanksgiving with the news that she and fiance Eric Johnson are expanding their family again, and I say ‘shocked’ because the announcement came a mere 7 months after welcoming little miss Maxwell Drew to the world.
“Works so well I went and got myself knocked up again.”
Busy Philipps (Cougar Town, Freaks and Geeks) just couldn’t hold it in and announced her own pregnancy news this week in the traditional manner: by posting a picture of a piece of plastic with urine on it on the internet. She and husband Marc Silverstein already have one daughter, age 4.
“Just threw up in my mouth a little! Pip pip cheerio! Ugh, Cheerios. *hork*”
Kate Middleton made her first public appearance since the official announcement of the royal fetus and the royal hyperemesis gravidarium earlier this month. She presented the Lifetime Achievement Award at the BBC Sports Personality of the Year Awards in a swanky Alexander McQueen dress, looking rather quiet and reserved as she attempted not to hurl all over Becks and his fine, tight abs.
B is for baby. Or burrito.
Gossipmongers are reporting yet again that Jennifer Aniston might could possibly maybe be pregnant because one time this week she wore an unflattering shirt and wasn’t drinking a cocktail and that’s like PREGNANCY SCIENCE . I’m not saying she’s not pregnant, for all I know she’s cooking quintuplets in there and we can call them the Ani-quints, but if all we’re going on is a slight pooch and a smile they should just stand outside Chipotle at lunchtime and rack up the list of 2013 babies. Will there be an Aniston-Theroux baby? Magic Womb 8-Ball says results unclear/burrito. Recheck in 6-12 weeks.
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About Jamie Jamerson
