Christmas, as I’m assume you are aware, is coming. The geese? They’re getting fat. The old man’s hat? You just threw a penny into it. Don’t have a penny? Well, then I guess a ha’penny will do. Haven’t got a ha’penny? Then get out of here, you’re wasting that hobo’s time. The Holidays are upon us and, above most other things, your kids are probably getting crazy-pumped for Santa. Last week here on MamaPop, I went through the Top 5 Movie Santas that RUIN Santa. These were pop culture Santas that either inspired dread or unnecessary questions about the jolly old fat man, therefore ruining all that should be good about Santa.
This week in the Claus Countdown, I want to take a look at the Top 5 Lousy Santas of Pop Culture. These are Santas that don’t set out to scare or ruin the essence of Santa right off the bat, but they’re Santas that are so lousy at their job they end up doing it anyway. These are Santas that just plain miss the point of what Santa is and how he should carry himself. Excluded from this list is the film Bad Santa because that’s just too obvious…
So clear the kids out of the room and let’s get started, shall we?
5) Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
Putting aside the fantastically ridiculously concept for this movie (which is something for a movie about a mystical man who can bring the whole world toys after judging them twice), this Santa, while good and loving, is balls-out incompetent. He can’t remember his reindeer’s names, he is oblivious to the numerous attempts on his life, and I’m pretty sure that if he’s not dumb, he’s on a wheelbarrow full of drugs. Santa is supposed to be wise and thoughtful on top of everything else. Santa = lousy.
4) Scrooged (1988)
This Santa, from The Night the Reindeer Died, seems to be your standard Santa at first. Surrounded by happy elves, busy supervising toy production, trying to make sure everything is right in time for Christmas. Then terrorists attack, of course, and the North Pole staff grabs automatic rifles faster than a tea party at Ted Nugent’s sex castle. Why does Santa need that many guns that quickly? My theory is that he’s probably done something to cross these people and they’re there to get even. Then, on top of everything else, he lets Lee Majors do his fighting for him! It seems to me that Santa should be a this-is-my-dishwashing-liquid-and-I’ll-soak-in-it type of guy. Santa = lousy.
3) Elf (2003)
His accent’s too think. He’s too quick to resort to physical violence. He smells of beef and cheese. Santa = lousy.
2) A Christmas Story (1983)
This is what going to see Santa would be like if you were Hunter S. Thompson. Putting aside that he clearly hates children and employs sociopaths as his helpers, he doesn’t have any clever explanations at the ready for kids asking for things that can’t/won’t get and he “ho ho hos” directly into their faces. Santa = lousy.
1) Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (1964…the same year he conquered the Martians!)
Now the topic of how much of a jerk-ass this Santa is has been discussed here at MamaPop before. I just re-watched this yesterday with my son and I was reminded of how un-Santa this Santa is. He’s rude to Mrs. Claus, he immediately declares Rudolph to be a freak and hopes that his nose gets better if he ever wants to pull his soon-to-be-enormous ass around, and he makes his elves, who build all of his toys, do “elf practice” for his amusement. What are they practicing?! They are elves. H’s making them sing and dance and he looks bored while they’re doing it. What kind of an operation is he running up there?! Santa = lousy.
Are there Santas lousier than these? Am I way off base on any of these picks? Leave your thoughts below and join me next week for another Claus countdown!