As of last week you, yes, even YOU! can now own the final chapter in Christopher Nolan‘s ultra-gritty-roll-around-on-the-beach-get-sand-in-your-honey-spots Batman trilogy for your home collection. Hell, if you want you can even buy three or four copies and one for the bathroom, I’ll leave that up to you. All I’m saying is I hear it makes a great stocking stuffer for the preschool set. I’m a Batman lover so I support it.
However as excited as I am to give it another viewing I think we all know there’s one major sergeant general downside to revisiting The Dark Knight Rises and that’s all the parts of the movie where Bane makes noise with his mouth-hole. You know the ones, those grating, obnoxious, choppy lines they try to pawn off as “scary talking” but is in fact found footage of a whale with bronchitis whining from the depths of a deep, deep well made of tin and equipped with a $5 Mix-It-Up-FX kiddie microphone– which (may I point out) is a gift that would be much cheaper than The Dark Knight Rises on Blu-Ray and possibly more appropriate for children.
Despite the movie’s other manifold flaws/sprinkled glorious moments I was never really able to get past the siren call of the humpback Bane, flopping through the ocean looking for its lost mate. It called to me across the sea and blotted out all the good parts that were hypothetically hiding somewhere in the movie. We all knew it was going to be an impossible feat to live up to Heath Ledger’s Joker performance but… seriously? This was the best y’all could come up with? Uh… ‘kay.
WhaleBane ended up being kind of a deal breaker for me, but thankfully just in time to pop the DVD in for date night along comes the magic of YouTube to transform this once frowny biscuit into a beaauuuuutiful rainbow:
Stop hitting yourself.
And thusly the caterpillar has become the butterfly, and Bane’s true life purpose has been revealed: official spokesman of fiber. I can see him now, traveling across the nation giving educational presentations to Kindergartners. Do you know what happens to your body without fiber, children? DO YOU? Gary? PIZZA? Are you serious with this shit? I didn’t think so. BRING THE FARM FRESH STRAWBERRIES. Please Bane, educate my child about proper roughage. You have so much wisdom to offer.
(And if that somehow didn’t make your Bat-day don’t worry, we’ll always have these special moments between you and I:)