Last night was the season five premiere of Toddlers and Tiaras on TLC. Can you believe how quickly time flies? Contestants from season one are probably already in rehab or shoplifting as we speak. I’m sure as they’re being hauled off in handcuffs they’re screaming, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Mackenzie “Sassy Diva Princess” Smith! I WAS ULTIMATE GRAND SUPREME SEASON TWO FOR CHRISSAKES!”
I absolutely, unapologetically, uncategorically, capital ‘L’ LOVE this show. I almost never miss an episode. So it goes without saying that I am super pumped that there appears to be a new breakout star this year! She’s being pushed heavily in the promos, and she is “sassy!” Her name is…yep, MacKenzie!
No, not Makenzie (that was season four,) or the other MacKenzie (season three,) or MaacKenzeeph (season one – the ‘ph’ is silent). I can’t wait to see what this MacKenzie does, and I am really hoping she’ll be the kid who finally tells her trainer – sorry, Mother – to shove a flipper up her disposal chute.
Otherwise, this season looks to hold a lot of the same: Crazy hair, wacky outfits, pill-popping and soda drinking…and that’s just the parents. There are a lot of pageant dads showcased on this first episode of the season, and they all have a penchant for Mom Jeans.
Did I say already that I love this show?
I don’t focus too much on the kid’s behaviors, because I largely believe the kids here are innocent, and simply products of their soda-swilling, glitz-lovin’ environment. That being said, this episode did play a factor for finally making a decision about that tubal ligation.
And keep your eye on Mom “Nikki” this season. She’s one to watch. She has a nice down-homey catchphrase, too: “I’m gonna piss myself.”
It’s super cute, right? So colloquial, but in a really charming way! I’m going to use it for a drinking game next week. It goes like this: Every time something goes wrong i.e. broken flipper, glitz dress blows a zipper, Ultimate Grand Supreme crown goes to an “ugly” child, and she “pisses” herself, take a drink.
When her daughter Faithlyn (spoiler: DO NOT call her Faith Lynn, it won’t end well) loses out on the Super Fantastic Princess Ultimate Grand Supreme With Double Bacon, and instead receives the consolation prize of -gasp- age appropriate Playdough, Mom looks disgusted and says, “I’m not sure what we’re supposed to do with Playdough.”
Hmmm. I’ve got some ideas.