Celebrity Holiday Messages To Fans: Happy Holidays From Our Mansion To Your Hovel

‘Twas the night before Christmas and videos appear,
with celebrity wishes for joy and good cheer!
Glad tiding abound for fans old and tween,
With pitches for more of your cash in ’13!

Tis the season… for celebrities to send out heartfelt(ish) holiday messages to their adoring public. Let’s have a look at some of the most notable ones this year:

First up, The Jonas Brothers! With a bit of snark and adorable cheek, Joe, Nick and Kevin offer their very best for the new year, and sincere hopes that their fan base hasn’t moved on to the younger, more datable boy band of Christmas present, One Direction.

Not quite The Beatles, you say?

Well, how about a song or two from that other group of lovable mop tops, the Victoria’s Secrets models?

Bring out the mistletoe! Although, I’m not quite sure what these fetching young ladies are selling besides one style of scanty gay apparel. Singing lessons? An appeal for more women in the maths and sciences? Hand lotion and cold showers?

Maybe I’m just being an A-cup Grinchy Claus, all green with envy and fifteen extra pounds of figgy pudding around my hips. Ho, ho, ho. And ho.

Author Jackie Collins filmed her 2012 message from what looks like vice crime library at Harvard Law School. That’s a lot of important looking books behind her extensive leopard print desk set.

You have to hand it to Jackie: she looks great. I hope that when I’m 75 years old, I’m confident enough for a profile camera angle without completely draping my neck in ten yards of cowl-neck sweater.

And speaking of confidence, nothing says “we know you adore our family as much as we adore ourselves” like a Kardashian’s Christmas card.

Kinda makes cousin Gretchen’s three-page holiday brag letter about Little Madeline making preschool honor roll and their environmental vacation to Costa Rica seem quaint, doesn’t it?

Part owner of Conjure Cognac, Ludacris keeps it simple in thanking the brand’s employees, brokers and distributors. Even more mesmerizing than the video’s art direction and cinematography which is, I’m guessing, a nod to the unromanticized realism of the iPhone Auteur School, is the non sequitur statement made by costuming.

That’s a big, blue, scary bear. I can’t find any information connecting the scary bear to cognac, rap music, or the winter solstice. It’s just a big, blue, scary bear because that’s what it is. Merry Freakin’ Christmas.

In my search for celebrity holiday messages for 2012, I discovered that there are thousands of people out there recording their thoughts and wishes for the new year – mayors, royalty, and even direct from the Cannibas Culture Headquarters.

Seriously, folks. It’s a deep and wide Internet out there, and searching “2012 Christmas messages” will provide you with hours of gloriously untutored and genuinely heart-warming entertainment. One video I discovered and just have to share is perfect representatives of all that is giddy and gracious in our beautiful world.

Patti from Wigs By Patti is speaking to a particular audience, but her words of wisdom are the perfect Christmas card to just about anyone.