It’s no secret that I’m MamaPop’s resident TwiHard, and that my love for Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart rivals even that of that one British chick that made a video of herself sobbing when news broke about the Rupert Sanders affair.
(She totally scored a spot at the Breaking Dawn 2 premiere, btw, AND I DIDN’T, and this is something from which my pride may never recover.)
ANYWAY. As I was combing the news this morning for any hint of the Mayan Apocalypse, I saw that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson was trending. What’s THIS? Perhaps they’ve become engaged?! Is there a love child in the making?! Was their relationship ended and outed for the Public Relations Sham it was and always has been?! (Just kidding about that last one! Their love is true blue as the sky above AND DON’T MAKE ME CUT YOU.)
Sadly, it was none of these. Rather, the headlines were desperate, reaching, and downright embarrassing. Let’s have a look-see:
1. Robert Pattinson is Going to Propose!
So, evidently, on January 8th, Pattinson will be flying to Australia to begin filming for his latest movie project, The Rover. Naturally, this means the two will be spending lots of time apart. But according to one source, not only is he planning to propose, but Pattinson is “plotting, planning, and designing the perfect ring for Kristen’s finger.” OH! And he’s also writing a WEDDING SONG. This, all while Kristen Stewart shops for a vintage wedding gown.
(Come ON. A wedding song?! I wonder if he’s teaming up with Taylor Swift to work on it! Could you imagine THOSE headlines?! A girl can dream.)
The source went on to talk about the couple’s Christmas tree, which apparently they decorated together in the actor’s home as if it’s confirmation of the two’s eternal, undying devotion to one another. I imagine it’s decorated with things like mustaches, vulgar cross-stitch and cans of PBR.
2. Kristen Stewart is Getting a Boob Job!
Obviously this source is highly reliable, because they use the word “boobs” several times. Actually, I think the source may have been this really annoying kid in the neighborhood.
“Kristen is terrified that Rob is going to leave her for someone else. She has always been insecure about her boobs, and she is totally convinced Rob would find it a massive turn-on if she had even a subtle size increase,” the source claimed.
“Whenever they’re out together, she’s always on high alert to see which girls seem to capture his attention, and they’re always girls with big boobs. She’s desperate to hang onto Rob, and thinks a breast augmentation would do the trick.” the insider continued.
Actually, now that I read it more closely, I think this source may have been John Boehner or someone equally hellbent on setting women’s rights back, oh, A MILLION DECADES OR SO.
Big Boobs Always Do The Trick! (TM) (Copyright) (OMFG)
3. Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson’s Romantic Bedroom Secrets!
Puh-leeze. This one isn’t even the least bit interesting to me, as the only sexy-sex-sex secrets I want to know about them can be summarized in two words: Headboard. Scene.
Because the details that this article is offering? PALE in comparison, my children. PALER THAN THE SPARKLY DUDE HIMSELF. They include the following nuggets:
Kristen always has a blood red pedicure and ALWAYS wears sexy lingerie, even if she’s in sweatpants.
At this point, me and the rest of the TwiHard Cougar nation are going to have to hope for something drastic to happen in order to keep this dream alive. I can’t see these crazy kids fade out of the spotlight now that we don’t have the Twilight Saga to keep them alive in our hearts, minds, and Mommy’s Secret Drawer In Her Bedroom.
Didn’t Kurt Cobain once say something about not wanting to fade out? I think this is probably what he was talking about. Obviously.