Huzzah the holiday shopping season! That time of year when my mother gleefully shows up at my door with wishbook circulars from Toys R Us, Wal-Mart, Kmart, Target-mart and several other economy-fueling marts, all spreading Christmas cheer for $19.99 -$59.99, but with $10 off coupons.
My kids love my mother for her unabashed delight in all things loud, shiny, and battery-powered. But also because their own mother keeps them in a windowless box without cable television, Facebook, or any other normal childhood delight. To hear my kids tell it, I’m a cross between an Amish prison guard and the mother from the Stephen King teen comedy Carrie.
This year, however, my eldest daughter began to see some of the wisdom in my ascetic way.
“What the heck? This is awful!”
Hey kids! It’s the Doctor Dreadful Alien Autopsy kit! Finally, a toy that combines fake science and eating an alien’s putrefying stomach contents! Because I’m assuming this isn’t a fresh kill, right? I mean, sentient life from millions of light years away does us the honor of visiting our planet, and we can act no better than gunning them down like Roswell agents in a B-movie horror film? And don’t give me that “the aliens did it to us first” nonsense. At least the toy doesn’t seem to come with a candy butt probe .
Next up, the Lalaloopsy button-eyed Other Dolly.
“It reminds me of the Neil Gaiman book Coraline,” said eldest child. “This doll looks sweet at first, but she will murder you in your sleep.”
Hmmm. Did I let my kids read Coraline while keeping them away from freak-out inducing television shows? Seems hypocritical and counter-productive. Oh well. They’ll have some great stories to tell their therapists.
How about the Rosemary’s Baby spawn-of-Satan fetus doll?
You might think your pre-tween fan of Lord of the Rings would get a kick out of this. And yet, when a child wakes up to pee and catches a glimpse of stuffed Gollum in the moonlight, it means you’re going to have a 9 year old begging to crawl in your bed. Hipster toys look way different to a kid at midnight.
These stuffed Beanie Boos are entirely too cute.
Cute, that is, until you notice the big-eyed creepy similarity to South Park‘s satan worshiping Woodland Critters.
You can view the entire Woodland Critter Christmas episode. But the scene where the whimsical critters sacrifice the fuzzy bunny to the Dark Lord and commence to hold cross-species orgy in the bloodbath will sort of ruin Beanie Boos for you whether or not your own techno-veal children are watching South Park on their friend’s iPods.
All right. Who am I kidding? The Woodland Critter Christmas episode is hilarious.
Still…it would be unsettling to see my six year old snuggling with Beanie Boo Porcupine (a.k.a. Virgin Mother Of The Anti Christ.) But, I guess that’s my “creepy doll problem,” not his. Right? Right.