Hey, you know those tiresome, trope-filled holiday gift guides that are everywhere this time of year? Well, here’s one more!
I’m not here to insist that you buy the man in your life a drill, mind you. Or that your “bestie” (eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!) wants a super-cute knit hat for her phone, lest it catch its death out in the cold. And believe you me, SO I am not here to convince you that the only way to thank the woman you love for loving you (or the one who done birthed you for birthin’ you) is by buying her some quilted burgundy Isotoner slippers.
NO. Instead, I’m here to advise you on the perfect, modest gift to give when what you really want to say to your loved one is, “YES, I KNOW THERE WERE TWO DARRINS AND TWO WILLISES AND TWO FRESH PRINCE MOMS. PLEASE TAKE THIS PRESENT AND SHUT THE HELL UP.”
Any pedestrian gift guide out there will sell you the same ol’, same ol’ gift ideas when it comes to the pop culture fanatic in your life. Give ‘em Netflix. Surprise them with a Tardis USB hub. Buy them a too-small t-shirt with a Ron Swanson-ism emblazoned on the front. None of these are bad ideas per se, but they probably won’t knock their [vintage striped patterned after Nancy in 1976's Carrie] socks off. And more importantly, they won’t leave them speechless as much as they’ll let them indulge in the true joy of your gift: allowing them to run their mouths about the pop culture factoid or inside joke clearly embodied by your most thoughtful bizarre present.
So here you go: with less than a week left until Christmas, some unexpected gifts for the insufferable geek in your life. Warm up your PayPals, kids!
Count Duckula: The Complete Series on DVD
Your gifted geek will delight in telling you all about this late 1980′s British animated gem, a Danger Mouse spin-off about a vampire duck (obvs) who keeps dying spectacular deaths, yet is able to reanimate every time in search of fortune and fame. Count Duckula never learned lessons from past lives, something you should try to analogize to Dr. Who. It’s not valid but the ensuing fight will really spice up the holidays.
Available at Amazon.com for anywhere from $40-$120. Watch the DVD format (silly Brits).
Gifting tip: Throw in a couple discs of Disney’s ‘Pepper Ann.’
Any Alien action figure
Time to shine, Geeks. There are many Alien, Aliens, and Alien vs. Predator action figures out there. Spend as much or as little as you like. The real gift is letting your beloved nerd tell you all about Kenner’s bizarre decision to advertise a kiddie toy based on possibly the most adult sci fi movie of all time. Thankfully, the Kenner figure didn’t spray acidic blood or lay eggs in your eye sockets or anything but it was a still an infamous merchandising bust.
Various Alien figures available at Toys R Us or Amazon.com. Vintage 1979 figures pop up on ebay.
Gifting tip: Signed the gift tag “Nostrom-ho-ho!” Major bonus points.
The Fall Guy Board Game
Screw Monopoly and cries of “I wanna be the doggie!” Fill your house with squeals of ” No, I’m the unknown stuntman who made Redford such a star!” Who greenlit this game???
Available on Etsy. Natch.
Gifting tip: Don’t buy this game until you finish reading this blog.
Kyle Hilton paper dolls
Wickedly funny illustrator Kyle Hilton has created paper dolls for beloved shows from Breaking Bad to Girls to Arrested Development. You’ll have hours of fun dressing and undressing meth heads.
Available at kylehilton.com
Gifting tip: Send me some.
“Eleven Doctors” (as in Who) Collector Pack
No Christmas is complete without an argument over the best doctor and some well-meaning relative saying, “I liked the guy in the Harry Potter scarf.” Equip your best geek with a visual aid with which to make his case. Then he can have fun positioning the doctors strategically around the house so that they never meet.
Available for $39.99 at Amazon.com
Gifting tip: Suggest that the doctor is half-human, half-Time Lord, denying his pure Gallifreyan heritage. Let the holiday hilarity ensue.
Larry Hagman Presents Flip Out!
Because of course he does. A posthumous tip of the hat to the man in the ten-gallon hat (with the five-gallon threshhold for marketing acumen). There are no words. I mean, except, “PLEASE BUY THIS BIZARRE GAME.” Perfect for the pop-culture-loving friend who has everything!
Available on ebay.
Gifting tip: Prepare to be unfriended.
Well, there you have it MamaPoppers. A gift guide for the insufferable geeks. Get online, pay those absurd rush shipping charges…time’s-a-wastin’. Of course if your gift is late, simply give an IOU. An IOU for a Larry Hagman dice game is worth its weight in gold.