Have you heard of this show Million Dollar Decorators? I hadn’t, and I like to think of myself as something of a Bravo channel superfan.
The show’s relative obscurity may help explain why they’ve recruited the headline-and-attention-fetching Lindsay Lohan for their January 1st episode. Because surprise, surprise, this awkward visual tour of the starlet’s continuing downward spiral hasn’t even aired yet, and we’re already talking about it. Well played, Bravo, well played.
On the bright side, it certainly it can’t be worse that that time that she gave The Insider a tour of her hoarder-esque apartment, right?
God, I hope not.
Anyway, Bravo is starting to tease the upcoming Million Dollar Decorators episode, and based on what we can see, things are certainly looking…better…ish.
According to Bravo, the show features LA’s “most exclusive and sought-after” interior designers, and essentially seems to be a snootier version of, like Yard Crashers or something. One of the show’s decorators, Kathryn Ireland, shows up at Lindsay’s California home sporting a permanent scowl, an odd British-New Yawkah accent, and after promising her two sons that she’d try to set them up with her.
We then get a mini-tour of Lindsay’s “very Gone with the Wind” home, which is “secluded” and makes Lindsay feel “safe.” To be fair, she’s just moved in, but the girl has taken to filling her empty space with Chanel bags and cases of designer sunglasses. There are also scarves draped over her mirrored bed for that genuine Aerosmith-brothel feel.
Naturally, I have thoughts:
Allow for me to list my issues with these rooms in numeric form, much like I’m sure this Ireland chick will do, but with the aid of an assistant who knows how to operate a computer.
1. The Hermes Blankets
I cannot help but think of anything Hermes branded as tacky. Seeing a celebrity with the H belt or bracelet, or these friggin throw blankets, is like seeing some chump at the mall wearing a GAP sweatshirt or Just Do It athletic attire. Bitches, please! YOU BEEN HAD!
2. The Mirrored Bed
Listen, if you have ANYTHING mirrored in your bedroom, I’m going to assume it’s used for sexual activity. That’s just how I roll. And, no, I don’t want to talk about my full-length mirror because I’m a married mother of two, so obviously that mess hasn’t been used in years. But back to Lindsay. The bed is odd enough on its own, but the scarves that she obviously took time to drape over the posts? That has me cringing, as it seems to be something one’s mother might do as a throwback to her minx days in the flapper club.
3. The Lack of The Wanted Paraphernalia
This is her bedroom, no? She’s their new Super Fan, right? Why are there no posters? Ticket stubs? Empty vials or discarded syringes? I find it all to be very suspect. IS THIS EVEN LINDSAY’S HOUSE?
4. The Purses
I cannot look at that pile of handbags without counting how many house payments I could make with each, were I to sell them on eBay. And they’re just LAYING THERE like some chic Fraggle Rock Trash Heap. I can’t. I just… CANNOT.
5. The Duraflame Log
(Penis joke.) (Something about matches.) (She doesn’t even have CURTAINS.) (But has a LOG?!) (Non-sequitor.)
Anyway, we’ll have to tune in for the final results on January 1, but let’s all hope, for Lindsay’s sake that this home really is the healthy restart that she’s hoping it will be. For some reason, I have my doubts. (And it starts with the fact that Lindsay agrees to have a pool party date with Kathryn Ireland’s two teenaged sons.)