The gluttony overload that is Christmas has finally passed, and in its wake remains a pile of worthless, plastic shit that populates the den floor like tweens at a Bieber show. Not that I’m blaming my kids — the triplets are just five so they don’t know any better. I mean, they have no idea that they don’t need like 15 different Lego entities. Hell, for all they know, the very future of planet Earth depends solely upon that stupid rescue helicopter they’ve been fist fighting over for the past three days.
But I know better, of course. Because I’m an expert on identifying shit we don’t need any more of. Especially this time of the year. Here, I’ll prove it:
Oprah’s Next Chapter.
Since first airing on January 1st 2012 on OWN, Oprah’s Next Chapter has featured scintillating celebrities such as Tony Robbins, Paula Deen, Whitney Houston’s daughter, Lady Gaga, The Kardashian Family, 50 Cent, Bette Midler, Kelsey Grammer, Fergie, Jamie Foxx and the aforementioned Justin Bieber.
Which means not only does Oprah’s Next Chapter fall into the category of “shit we don’t need any more of” (see: the perspective/opinions of celebrities on virtually any topic imaginable), but also that the show does nothing more than ram celebrities down our throats who fit into that very category. Seriously. Oprah is a mere Ke$hia interview away from jumping the “shit we don’t need any more of” shark and in so doing, she’s somehow making my kids look like staunch minimalists, for crying out loud.
But wait, there’s more! Apparently the former (and current?) queen of the world has recently interviewed David Letterman and the episode featuring said interview will be airing in January. Among the scintillating and highly relevant topics discussed? The sex scandal that rocked the funny man’s world in 2009.
I’m gonna pause real quick to insert this: if David Letterman’s old-news sexcapades do NOT fall into the category of “shit you don’t need any more of” then I’m not sure where to direct you, though I can only assume (and hope) there are any number of qualified professionals to help you with your plight. So good luck there.
For the rest of you, however, please continue to follow along, won’t you? Because Letterman’s robust sexual past isn’t the only topic that Oprah will be digging her claws into. She’ll also be addressing the longtime rivalry between David Letterman and Jay Leno (gasp!).
So, yeah, that’s apparently how Oprah gets ‘er done these days. By booking cliche-type celebrities, then breaking stories pertaining to them that were first broken by Walter Cronkite. (Get it? He’s like super old. Or dead. Or possibly both. I think both, right?)
Though at least Oprah is getting new sound bites out of the deal, right? I mean that’s the least she could do, don’t you think? Provide us with some new verbiage to go with the old news? Because that’s what she’s done with the Letterman-Leno thing. And believe it or not, Letterman’s got some high praise, indeed, for his rival.
“I’ve never met anyone quite like Jay. And I will say—and I’m happy to say—that I think he is the funniest guy I’ve ever known. Just flat out, if you go to see him do his nightclub act, just the funniest, the smartest, a wonderful observationist and very appealing as a comic…Therefore, the fact that he is also maybe the most insecure person I have ever known…I could never reconcile that.”
POW, Leno. Take that you hysterical and insecure bastard, you!
So, one uber-successful, preposterously wealthy late-night host paying compliments to another uber-successful, preposterously wealthy late-night host just to make the ensuing insult that much more damning?
I don’t know about y’all, but that most definitely falls into the category of “shit I don’t need any more of.”
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go help the kids build another one of their lego deals.