In a blaze of glory the former pop queen Britney Spears has returned from her hiatus in her own personal Wal-Mart (the set of The X-Factor) to grace the day’s headlines like the first tickling scent of Folger’s in our cups. IT’S BRITNEY, BITCH. WAKE UP, THURSDAY.
On this episode of Who’s the Daddy: Britney’s former brother-in-law (that’s C-Fed not K-Fed) filed court papers alleging that not only is he is young Sean Preston‘s real father but also that Spears swiped his credit card to buy $4,500 worth of Archie & Betty comics and laughed at his tiny manjunk.Here’s the gist of it, though there’s really no good way to explain chaos theory: Kevin Federline‘s older brother, Christopher Federline, filed for a temporary restraining order against good ol’ Britney on December 18th, weaving a harrowing tale of mystery, theft, and uh… genital harassment.
Last week Britney Spears went to Kevin’s house to pick up Sean Preston & Jayden James and my wallet was on Kevin’s coffee table, when Britney opened it up and stole my Capital One credit card … Britney Spears used my stolen credit card without my consent to order $4,569.02 worth of comic books … I called Britney on the phone and she laughed at me told me my brother Kevin ruined her life, Britney made fun of me and told me I have a small penis, she also blackmailed me and told me if I tell the police that she stole my credit card that she will tell the world I’m the true father of Sean Preston … She is out of control and a maniac.
“I do confess I slept with Britney, and I am the true father, but the public does not need to know,” Federline added near the bottom of the public documents he filed in a public court. Mmmkay. I guess just pretend you didn’t read that part? Looks like she can’t blackmail you now, C-Feb. Heyyoooooo.
Two days later a judge kicked his request for a restraining order to the curb and reps for Britney and the two Federlines have since declined comment.
So. Here we are, left to our own devices to scratch our heads and puzzle out the meaning of these strange new events. Why did the judge dismiss the case? Was it because you can’t get a restraining order against someone when you were the one calling them on the telephone? Was it because Christopher Federline is a lying-liar-pants? Was it because he is NOT a lying-liar-pants but his check bounced when he went to pay the filing fee because Britney bought too many Archie comics!? IS Christopher Federline the father? And more importantly, would anyone really care if he was?
Sadly in the end I think we’re left with a hard truth: Whether or not any of the allegations are true, and hey, without a DNA test straight from Maury’s blessed lips we may never know, they are shockingly all too plausible. Would I believe that Britney Spears stole someone’s credit card? Yes. Would I believe that K-Fed’s son is actually his brother’s? Yes. Would I believe that Britney Spears is a maniac out of control? Inarguably. Would I believe that both Federlines have smaller-than-average genitals? Sure.
–And thus concludes the sad life story of Britney Spears. I rest my case.
New evidence is surfacing that the man who filed the charges (and made some awfully hilarious accusations) was not Christopher Federline, but was in fact a convicted felon with a penchant for filing bogus lawsuits. The accuser has a past history of fraud and a special hard-on for causing trouble for celebs. In the past he’s posed as a relative of Selena Gomez to file false charges against the Biebs and just last week he traveled to Newton, Connecticut and pretended to be the uncle of the Sandy Hook shooter so he could get on the news. I mean. WHAT?
Britney, you’re in the clear. Shew, you really scared me this time. (source)