Someone named Everette Draughn is suing Al Roker and Jennifer Lopez for falsely portraying him as a criminal in their Spike TV reality show, Big Easy Justice. The show features some bounty hunter in New Orleans called Tat-2 who is presumably a poor man’s Dog, but whatever. In an episode that aired in April, Tat-2 chased down Mr. Rourke the 19-year-old Draughn for grand theft auto — a crime he insists he never committed, hence the lawsuit against Roker and Lopez, the show’s co-producers. Yet he signed a release, so it’s all kinda puzzling.
Still, a total chicken shit move if you ask me. No. Not falsely portraying Draughn as a criminal. (Who knows if they did. Again, the guy signed a release and I’m sure his mom would swear up and down that her son would NEVER do such a thing.) I mean Lopez and Roker for teaming up on a bounty hunter show called Big Easy Justice. SO. WEAK.
I mean, was that the best they could do? Because, I’ve come up with four better ones right here on my sofa while writing the intro to this piece. And I’m kinda watching a basketball game right now.
Anyway, here are the four shows they should have done instead:
American High Pressure Front
J Lo and Al sit on the panel of this provocative reality show that features wanna be weather broadcasters who are pit against one another and must sing their way through natural disasters. Special guest, the Scorpions, of course. Because they’ll obviously rock you like a hurricane and whatnot. And maybe Prince for a little Purple Rain action.
Next idea: if there’s anything we’ve learned about J Lo by now it’s that she’s not afraid to make a shitty RomCom. Why not make one with Al? They could call it:
Moisture in the Air
Fine, but no love scenes, okay?
Okay, sorry. Even I thought that was gross. How about a show where they both candidly address the very thing for which they’re most famous? They could call it:
Asstric Bypass
J Lo would break down that mysterious ass of hers while Roker discusses the surgery that made him so hot. I smell an Emmy. Though, to be fair, it could totally be Al.
And let’s close with this one:
You Do The Weather And I’ll Do One Of My Backup Dancers
A retrospective of J Lo’s surprising relationship with Chris Judd with jump cuts to Roker’s most memorable weather broadcasts. Like the one where that dude was holding him up during Hurricane Wilma. Well, before he fell that is. Comedy gold all the way around, people.
About John Cave Osborne
