The holiday season is both a delight and a curse. It’s my favorite when I get to eat 10,000,000 cookies and the chippy-dip with the sour cream layer. It’s not my favorite when I find myself trapped behind the buffet between Uncle Garfield, who won’t stop petting my hair as he describes his meaty gout-foot, and my high school lab partner, who once caught me stuffing tissues into my bra.
When Mom starts yelling across the room about socialist menstrual products and Obama clogging toilets there’s only one thing to do and that’s run for the wine and/or emergency Everclear you stuff into your sock. In some holiday situations it’s okay, nay required, to drink your way back in to world of polite civility. When the only other option is retreating to cry in the bathroom and pray for the sweet, sweet release of death it’s simply a matter of survival.
This year the enjoyment of awkwardness-laden holiday obligations will be EVEN EASIER thanks to the Official Drinking Game of the Holidays (2012). The lovely Hanna Hart of My Drunk Kitchen youtube fame (if you aren’t familiar start or your adventure into chucklestown here) put together her 10 best drinking cues for optimal holiday survival and well really, this just seems like a sensible course of action.
Jot this list down on the back of your hand before you head to your next party along with directions to the nearest exit:
Official My Drunk Christmas Drinking Games Rules:
1. Take a drink every time someone inquires about your current relationship status
2. Take a drink every time someone subsequently suggests using an online dating service
3. Take a drink every time someone forgets your dietary preferences
4. Take a drink every time you revert to your 13-year-old self while talking with your parents
5. Take a drink every time you have awkward obligatory conversations with people you run into from high school
6. Take a drink instead of eating your feelings* (*or in addition to, personal preference)
7. Take a drink every time you accidentally start discussing politics with a family member
8. Take a drink every time you try eggnog again because maybe this year you will like it
9. Take a drink every time you get a present from someone and you didn’t get them anything
10. Take drink because it’s the holidays and life is cause for celebration
Between the relationship advice and pseudo-politcal familial drama it looks like we should all be appropriately shnuckered by 3pm. However, I would like to add these rules to my personal list:
11. Take a drink every time someone asks about the status of your womb (occupied, unoccupied, soon to be occupied, broken)
12. Take a drink every time someone tries to feed your dog pills
13. Take a drink every time you get a disapproving glare at your stomach for picking up one more cookie
14. Take a drink for every punch thrown
What rules would you add to perfect the holiday survival drinking game?