“Waaaahhh the earth is swallowing me and everything is on fire!”
How many doomsday predictions do we get nowadays? Is it at least one per year? It seemed like they were spotty and isolated (ie, Heaven’s Gate) through the last half of the 20th century, but since the apocalypse-boner-killer that was Y2K people are just really jonesing for some kind of cataclysm. The big one, of course, was December 21, 2012, which some people determined to be The End based on the Mayan calendar. This was dismissed by scientists and Other People Who Actually Know Shit many times, but people kept right on digging their bunkers “just in case.”
A notable pair in this particular group of so-called doomsday preppers are Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Once again displaying their inability to stop talking, the duo recently told Britain’s Ok! Magazine that they truly believed in the Mayan apocalypse and prepared for annihilation by blowing through around $10 million. They did this by doing stuff like giving valets a couple hundred dollars in tips and giving their friends seven-figure birthday gifts.
What’s truly disturbing about all of this is that it’s making me wish that I was friends (or “friends”) with these two. Their paranoia is my student loan bailout.
Pratt then uttered this sentence aloud and permitted it to appear in print:
“Here’s some advice, definitely do not spend your money thinking asteroids are coming.”
On it, Spence, thanks a heap.
What we really need to do is to get other rich people in this kind of mindset. Imagine if Bill Gates just started making it rain at the club every night because eff everything. And this would be a really great way for people like Donald Trump to actually be worthwhile human beings for once!
As for Speidi, we’re getting close to where we need to be with them. We just need to come up with the next really convincing doomsday scenario and really play up to their fears. Once they’ve burned through all of their money, they’ll have to move on to the next stages of preparation. That means that they’ll start wearing more camo and we’ll finally be relieved of staring at their smug faces because they’ll be donning gas masks.
Bonus consequence: we won’t really be able to hear them speak or “sing” anymore.
The final stage will be convincing them to move into an underground bunker and not emerge until we tell them it’s safe. They should be fine down there indefinitely. We know that they already have plenty of guns, Heidi will bring several tons of dry shampoo, and whatever “food” they get from endorsing Taco Bell can probably last indefinitely.
This is it, guys. This is how we will finally be rid of them. Our children might have a chance of growing up in a Speidi-less world! Let’s do this thing! Let’s do it for the children!
About Kelly Delaney
