Hey girl. It’s me, Ryan Gosling. You might know me from my work as a brooding but versatile actor – I sang and danced on The Mickey Mouse Club and stomped some guy to death with my foot in Drive. I think I was in one of those Nicolas Sparks movies, too – I had a beard in that one. I don’t know, girl. They give me a script and I show up and do the work, you know?
But you know me, girl. I’m never satisfied with my lot in life. Wait – is that Britney Spears next to me in that picture? I should call her, girl. We did our time together in The Club, you know? I feel like she could use a hug. Maybe I can help her with her groceries. You gotta help people, girl. It’s what separates us from the beasts. Is she still doing Idol? No? Damn, girl.
So girl, I just made Gangster Squad with my spirit animal Nick Nolte – it tanked, and I felt terrible about it, but like the Ojibwe tribe says, all the while a great wind carries me across the sky. The Ojibwe tribe, girl. They’re Native Americans. Speaking of Native Americans, girl, did you see that Johnny Depp is playing Tonto in that Lone Ranger movie? One time Depp came over to my house – no, girl, the one in Topeka, where I go when I want to keep things real – and we jammed. Depp plays a mean slide guitar, girl. He was on an Oasis album, you know. No, girl, not the good one. The second one. He’ll be a good Tonto. Anyway, Britney Spears. I wish her well, girl. What was I talking about?
Oh, that’s right. I’m directing a movie, girl. You know how lots of actors say that they like to act but what they really want to do is direct? I’m not saying that. Did you see that jacket I wore in Drive? You know that I try to keep it real, girl. It’s why I grow a beard when I’m not working. But damn, getting to wear that jacket? With the scorpion on the back? EXACTLY. High five, girl. I think you can pursue art in its many forms and still appreciate how you look in a badass jacket.
That’s acting, girl, and it’s like a tres leches cake – an amalgam of the complex and the simple, rich and dense, but in the end, still just a dessert. What? Sorry, girl. You get tres leches cake at Mexican restaurants. I had some at a Cuban place in Oceanside once, too. It wasn’t that great. Tasted like a stale Twinkie with Reddi-Whip on top.
Anyway, my movie: it’s called How To Catch A Monster. No, it’s not an indie film about a serial killer. We’re talking actual monsters, girl. Guillermo del Toro style. Here’s the description from the movie’s website:
Written and directed by Ryan Gosling, HOW TO CATCH A MONSTER weaves elements of fantasy noir, horror and suspense into a modern day fairytale. Set against the surreal dreamscape of a vanishing city, Billy, a single mother of two, is swept into a macabre and dark fantasy underworld while Bones, her 18-yr-old son, discovers a secret road leading to an underwater town. Both Billy and Bones must dive deep into the mystery, if their family is to survive.
I wrote this movie, girl. I also wrote that description. Copywriting is hard, girl. It’s why everybody on Mad Men drinks and secretly despairs. Speaking of Mad Men, Christina Hendricks is going to star in it. Here’s a picture of me and Christina Hendricks:
She’s a doll, girl. I’d like to put her on a plate and sop her up with a biscuit, if you know what I mean. Oh. Sorry, girl. That’s a line from Coming To America. A gravy reference.
Anyway, I’m casting my movie, which is set to begin filming this May. Want to be in it? I’m really excited about it, girl. Yeah, it’s a fantasy movie, girl. With monsters! I rarely use exclamation points, girl – in print or in life – but this excites me. It’s cray-cray, right? I mean, did you see Lars and The Real Girl? Totally different direction for me, artistically. A genre film, as they say. Did you know that Guillermo del Toro was supposed to direct The Hobbit? I wonder how his whimsical yet dark visual style would’ve informed the film. We’ll never know, girl. We’ll never know.