Mama, a super creepy-looking horror movie, comes out today. It tells the story of two little girls who have seemingly been living by themselves in an abandoned house in the woods for at least five years. They’re taken in by their uncle and his girlfriend, played by Jessica Chastain. Shockingly, dropping two semi-feral children into the suburbs doesn’t go so smoothly and a spirit who the girls claim is their mother begins to unravel the new family.
Obviously, the villain in this movie is the “Mama” spirit, but from the trailer it looks like the older sister becomes protective of their adoptive mother while the younger sister grins maniacally at Mama’s fucked up antics. But surely she’s not the worst sister in the history of movies. I offer up the following nominees for that dubious honor:
Kym and Rachel in Rachel Getting Married
This movie received a lot of critical praise and Anne Hathaway received an Oscar nomination for her portrayal of Kym. But I really couldn’t get past the fact that Kym and Rachel were both infantile assholes. Kym refuses to get her shit together and Rachel whines constantly about how little attention she gets. They’re exhausting.
Mary and Anne Boleyn in The Other Boleyn Girl
I’ve seen this movie a ridiculous number of times. In fact, the title of it should just be changed to Because There Is Absolutely Nothing Else On. It’s just not a very good movie, but besides that, watching it you forget that Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johanssen are both, in fact, skilled actors. Here they are weighed down by a soap operatic plot, heaving bosoms, and a budget that didn’t leave room for a dialect coach. And the word “sister” (or “sistah” as they pronounce it) is uttered so many times that it somehow begins to sound like it’s not an actual word.
Hannah, Lee, and Holly in Hannah and Her Sisters
Each sister in this Woody Allen classic is dysfunctional in her own way and each betrays the other. One reveals extremely personal information, one has an affair with another’s husband. Ugh, it’s a mess. But for as much groaning as these three sisters cause, it boils down to a wonderful movie that’s a personal favorite. I just couldn’t imagine having to endure a Thanksgiving with them.
Baby Jane Hudson in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?
Bette Davis plays Baby Jane, the ultimate terrible sister. She’s in charge of caring for her paralyzed sister, Blanche, and for delivering daily doses of WTF as she becomes increasingly detached from the reality of her lost fame. She’s also a terrible cook.
Amy March in Little Women
I’ve always given a gigantic side-eye to Amy and Laurie coming home to Concord all, “Hey! We’re married!” and Jo being all, “Oh? Oh, how wonderful!” and not saying anything along the lines of, “Amy can I talk to you for a second about STEALING THE DUDE I’VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH FOREVER DON’T ACT LIKE YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!” I mean, it’s great that she shakes it off immediately and is happy for them. But, uh, Jo is a much bigger person than I am, I guess.
Dottie and Kit in A League of Their Own
Dottie never shuts up about how much she hates baseball and how she’s only there for Kit, and Kit is a total brat about how good her sister is at baseball while not acknowledging that Dottie did, in fact, get her into the league. God, I wish these two would quit whining.