Should old acquaintance be forgot!
And never brought to mind!
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
Well, it’s time for the first Movie Trailer Roundup of 2013 and I hope you all had a damned fantastic New Year’s. Mine was pretty decent, in that I partied with my 1-year-old son, Max, fell asleep on the couch by about 9:30, woke up in time to toast the New Year with my wife, got to enjoy Kathy Griffin’s attempt to fellate Anderson Cooper, and then fell asleep again.
Parenthood – where the party never stops.
But onward to the trailers! In this first roundup of 2013 we’ll take a look at some movie trailers that feature zombies, munchkins, aliens, and Ryan Gosling. Basically, everything that was included in the last fever dream I had after eating way too much sriracha sauce.
First up, The Host, which is based on a novel by Stephanie Meyer, who brought the terror that is Twilight onto the world:
Finally, an alien invasion movie that’s more concerned with the impact on teen angst. THANK. GOD.
I have to admit, this trailer doesn’t churn my stomach as much as promotional material for the Twilight movies did, but at its core what we’ve got here is yet another other-worldly menace framed relative to the amount of kissing that can go on around it. I know that I am in no way the targeted demographic for this flick, but I still can’t help but feel unimpressed by the conflict of the movie, which so far appears to be let’s-make-out-ok-oops-I’m-technically-an-alien-now-can-we-still-make-out-sure.
But at least there’s no gratuitous male shirt taking-off-ing in the trailer.
So on a scale of annoying Facebook girls:
The Host: 4 annoying Facebook girls out of 10. Sure she’s going to love it, but you’re going to need to bring something else for the fathers that have to drive her home when the movie’s over.
Next up, let’s look at two upcoming zombies. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “ONLY TWO?! There’s just NOT ENOUGH ZOMBIE MOVIES! THEY’RE SUCH A RARE OCCURRENCE!!!” Don’t worry, it’s still only January.
Here’s Brad Pitt in World War Z and uh, Rob Cordry I guess, Warm Bodies.
Quick, Brad! Throw some Chanel No. 5 in their eyes!
Are you watching this “The Host”?! Do more of this.
Well, I don’t know whether to be excited or depressed about World War Z. I was a fan of the book and this movie is nothing like the book, but that’s not my problem (since a direct movie adaptation of the book would be boooooooooring). The beginning of the trailer is extremely effective. It’s tense, scary, and genuinely unsettling. And then we see the zombies. The rubbery, CGI, not-convincing-at-all, ant-people zombies. Nothing gets my goat more than when a movie uses CGI when it DOESN’T HAVE TO. Sure, you need CGI for giant crowds and stuff, but these zombies don’t look life-like at all (ZING!). It’s like the bad guys in I Am Legend. It destroys the viewer’s suspension of disbelief, because instead of having Will Smith fight scary-looking people in make-up, he’s fighting clearly fabricated relatives of Jar Jar Binks.
Warm Bodies, on the other hand, has definitely piqued my interest. Here’s a zombie film that’s trying to do something a little different. A good mix of gore, humor, and heart could be a breath of fresh air to the Zombie film genre. Of course, this is just a trailer and the rest of the movie could spiral into hokey suck-fest, but I have to admit they’ve got my attention, and hopefully the laughs will be dished out in proportion with the screams.
So on a scale of zombies:
World War Z: 6 Zombie Rogers out of 10. We used to be friends, man! But now I’m afraid I’ve got to put a bullet in you.
Man, oh man are the “Wicked” fans going to be PISSED.
I gotta admit, the trailer makes this look better than I thought it was going to be. While I’m not a huge fan of casting James Franco as the titular Oz (note to self, if I’m going to die, scream “I never accomplished anything!” and not “OH F%$&!”), I am a fan of everything Sam Raimi’s done except for Spider-Man 3 and I trust him to find the funny/wonder/scary balance an Oz movie needs. Williams, Kunis, and Weisz, appear to be bringing the appropriate amount of gravitas, and everything seems to be in line with the spirit of the classic movie, down to the black and white beginning.
So on a scale of Lollipop Guilds:
Oz the Great and Powerful: 8 Lollipop Guilds out of 10. I don’t think I’m going to have a problem with you representing me.
This is why I don’t run with motorcycle carnies anymore.
(Aside: If you want to go over the shirtlessness of Gosling, we have you all kinds of covered HERE.)
Yeesh, when the TRAILER for a drama leaves you feeling emotionally exhausted, you know you’ve probably got a good movie on your hands. At first I thought this movie was going to be a little too much like Drive, but the noticeable lack of satin jackets and apparent absence of 8-minute-long music montages has convinced me otherwise. The Place Beyond the Pines definitely looks like its going to be an emotional powerhouse and, thanks to the presence of Gosling and Cooper, there is now a Wyle E. Coyote-esque smoke outline where my wife used to be, so the only rating I can possibly offer is:
So what do you think? Do any of these trailers do it for you? Or do you feel cold and empty on the inside, like a zombie looking for love? I’d also like to leave you all with this important question:
What movie had an awesome trailer but then ended up letting you down the most?
Think it over and let me know in the comments below!
Also, don’t forget about this week’s retro trailer!