With awards season upon us, we’ll soon watch many talented Hollywood set stylists, costume designers, and make-up artists collect well-deserved trophies. And unlike previous years, it seems many of us have actually seen the movies nominated this year, and so we’ll be watching with special interest.
But despite huge advances in CGI and technology and all that other geeky science-y/magical-unicorn-y stuff I know less than nothing about, most period movies still insist on featuring the most ridiculous teeth ever.
Conan “Pearly Whites” the Barbarian
You made me late for my orthodontist appointment, and NOW YOU WILL DIE!
Actors will often go to great lengths to make themselves suitable for a role they covet: Anne Hathaway cut off all her hair for “Les Mis,” as did Demi Moore in the just slightly less successful “G.I. Jane.” That’s great. ACTING! I’m soooo impressed.
But you want to really wow us, actors? Really make us understand just how dedicated you are to your art?
KNOCK YER FUCKING TEETH OUT.
Yep. Hair grows back, people. I’ve cut mine, like eleventy million times. That shit is PLAYED.
Well, you’ve still got your teeth…
Anne Hathaway playing Fantine in “Les Mis” gets cut a little slack, because she does eventually sell her teeth, so her chompers are a part of the storyline. But despite the darkness and despair that is her life beforehand, they still look pretty good. Yep, I’d even venture to say they’re better than at least 30% of the people’s teeth in my hometown, and I’m not even British.
Here are a few other ridiculous examples:
Fun fact: Not only did Lincoln preserve the Nation and begin the Emancipation Proclamation, he also initiated dental care coverage for all government employees.
Elizabeth “Flossy” the First
COME ON. She has better teeth than me and I grew up with mandatory fluoride swishing.
He goes by just “Maximus,” but his last name is “Shine.”
My daughter needs braces, and I’ll likely have to sell my own teeth to buy them for her. Great teeth cost a fortune and I imagine that’s why so many actors aren’t willing to sully theirs for a role. But the Academy loves a method actor, and I’m willing to bet pulling your teeth out would earn you at least a nomination.
Listen, if you live in an era where things like forks are a technology of the distant future, your smile should not look like you live in post 1960′s suburban subdivision housing within walking distance of a mini-mall dental clinic. So come on film people, a bit more accuracy in the oral arena, please.
Heehee…I said “oral.”
What inaccuracies – historical or otherwise – bother you in television or the movies?
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About Jeni Marinucci
