Oh, awards season! The absolute best reminder for all parents that you are lame and no fun and kind of maybe permanently screwed your social life. Because unless there’s a Pixar movie on the nominee list, chances are you never made it out to see many of these films in the theater.
Maybe some of them are available on the Netflix or something? Because kids aside, I personally actually prefer watching movies from the comfort of my own couch, where I’m allowed to pause things to go pee and to also drink as much wine as I like. And especially since this year’s haul is full of supersized, almost three-hours-long undertakings. I mean:
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Anyway, here are the 2013 Oscar nominees in the major categories. Let’s discuss!
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Silver Linings Playbook
Zero Dark Thirty
Life of Pi
I have seen a whopping TWO of these. Argo (which I loved) and Les Mis (which I was overwhelming ambivalent about). Do I get points for at least WANTING to see the rest? (Except maybe Amour, simply because it sounds so freaking devastating and I think maybe I’d be better off checking out Ted or Warm Bodies.)
David O’Russell, “Silver Linings Playbook”
Ang Li, “Life of Pi”
Steven Spielberg, “Lincoln”
Michael Haneke, “Amour”
Ben Zeitlin, “Beasts of the Southern Wild”
Oh, look. A category I cannot offer any opinion up over! I am the best pop culture blogger ever. Super surprised Ben Affleck didn’t get a nod for Argo, however.
Daniel Day Lewis, “Lincoln”
Denzel Washington, “Flight”
Hugh Jackman, “Les Miserables”
Bradley Cooper, “Silver Linings Playbook”
Joaquin Phoenix, “The Master”
No, I actually AM the best, because I can tell you that there is no fucking way Hugh Jackman is going to win. I mean, he was fine and all, but. No.
Naomi Watts, “The Impossible”
Jessica Chastain, “Zero Dark Thirty”
Jennifer Lawrence, “Silver Linings Playbook”
Emmanuelle Riva, “Amour”
Quvenzhané Wallis, “Beasts of the Southern Wild”
AND WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH AIRLINE PEANUTS?
(No, but seriously, while I have seen none of these films, I would like to point out that they nominated a FIVE-YEAR-OLD CHILD. She’s nine now, but whoa.)
(ALSO KATNISS YAAAAY!)
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Christoph Waltz, “Django Unchained”
Philip Seymour Hoffman, “The Master”
Robert De Niro, “Silver Livings Playbook”
Alan Arkin, “Argo”
Tommy Lee Jones, “Lincoln”
“ARGO FUCK YOURSELF!” I am sure all of these gentlemen did an outstanding job, but what are we thinking? Lincoln or Django, probably?
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Sally Field, “Lincoln”
Anne Hathaway, “Les Miserables”
Jacki Weaver, “Silver Linings Playbook”
Amy Adams, “The Master”
Helen Hunt, “The Sessions”
ZOMG! I get to have an opinion! While Les Mis was a deeply flawed and often clunky movie, Anne Hathaway was beyond brilliant in it. She easily gave the best and most heartbreaking/electrifying performance of the entire three hours and was the most AMAZING Fantine I’ve ever seen (and I’ve seen at least six or seven of them). So she should win. Except that she was actually a bit TOO GOOD, because (spoiler!) Fantine dies in like, the first 30 minutes and then you still have to sit through another 2.5 hours of Russell Crowe’s nasal shout-singing.
ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
‘The Pirates! Band of Misfits”
Haaaaaa. Hahahaha. I have seen every single of one of these. I am a walking cliche. Let’s see…my kids freaked out and made us bail on Brave (we saw it later at home and they still didn’t really dig it). I think I had my hopes up too high for that one, frankly. Frankenweenie and ParaNorman were both Halloween stories by Tim Burton and the Coraline people respectively, and it was kind of shame they both came out the same year since it makes them (unfairly) easy to mix up. My kids watched The Pirates while I think I was cleaning the kitchen and so I don’t remember that much about it and should probably give it another try. And Wreck-It Ralph was the biggest surprise of the year because we all had a freaking blast watching that one in the theater.
Speaking of cinematic disappointments, The Hobbit only managed to snag three nominations: Production Design, Visual Effects and Makeup & Hairstyling. We were thinking of seeing that one this weekend (I know, I know, but we’re GIANT NERDS and it feels WRONG NOT TO) but maybe we should opt for one of the Best Picture nominees instead. Lincoln, on the other hand, leads with 12 total nominations.
Okay, now you. Thots?