Surely you’ve heard by now that the New Kids on the Block are setting out on a reunion tour that will begin on May 31st. Joining them will be the classic R&B group Boyz II Men and 98 Degrees. The name of the tour is, get this, The Package.
I know! Let’s name the tour after David Bowie’s crotch in Labryinth!
I am a classy lady, so dick jokes totally crack me up. The tour being called The Package helps to take a little bit of the sting out of the fact that my pre-teen obsessions (plus 98 Degrees, which…huh?) are now on reunion tours and releasing reunion albums. Here’s the “teaser trailer” for the new NKOTB album 10.
Sigh. Thanks for making me feel old for the second time in a week, guys. First Kris Kross and now you.
But it seems likely that this tour will do fairly well. Nostalgia is a powerful draw and I’m sure there are more than a few ladies who are still holding out hope that Joey will spot them in the audience singing along to “Please Don’t Go Girl,” pull them up on stage, slow dance with them while gently kissing their ecstatic tears away, and then drop to one knee and propose ON THE SPOT.
Ahem.
I mean, I guess that’s what the ladies are thinking. I wouldn’t know.
But our middle school selves know that one of the most important aspects of planning for The Package is putting together the perfect outfit. I speak from experience. I saw New Kids THREE TIMES. The main difference now is that I’ll need to get a babysitter to go see The Package and I won’t have to worry about getting my period for the first time in the middle of “Hangin’ Tough.”
So, let’s get to stylin’ up, ladies:
Step ONE (We can have lots of fun)
Acquire some of Prince’s rejected blouses then run them through some early prototypes of Photoshop filters.
Step TWO (There’s so much we can do)
Grab a few fedoras and some acid-washed jeans. If you run out of sneakers, just borrow some penny loafers from the nearest Catholic school student.
Step THREE (It’s just you and me)
Oh dear, things are beginning to fall apart. We need a vest, because 1992. Take some scissors to the jeans. Donnie…Donnie what are you doing? No, you may NOT wear that parachute. Oh for Christ’s sake Jordan you’re not a Dust Bowl farmer. Put a goddamned shirt on underneath your overalls if you insist on wearing them.
Step FOUR (I can give you more)
Really Danny? You’re just going to go out in boxers? I can’t even…
Step FIVE (Don’t you know that the time has arrived)
Alright, let’s get this thing back on the rails and get back to some late 80s/early 90s Boston-native fundamentals. Bring me ALL OF THE DENIM. Sprinkle some mullets around. We’ll be needing a chain-link fence as well. Scare me a little, give me that look that says you’ve spent a whole afternoon in juvie but are still a good kid at heart.
Step SIX (There is no Step SIX)
Ooooh, girl.
About Kelly Delaney
