Listen, I realize that reality TV is never supposed to, like, MAKE SENSE and stuff, but in this time of fiscal conservatism and safe bets I’m finding myself perplexed by E!‘s announcement that they’ve green-lighted a Ryan Lochte reality show.
Joining the likes of the Kardashian clan, Ryan Lochte will have cameras following him around for at least six episodes, starting this coming April.
”Network president Suzanne Kolb made the announcement today during the E! Entertainment portion of the TCA press tour. Titled What Would Ryan Lochte Do?, the six-episode series from Intuitive Entertainment will feature the “vivescent” Lochte, Kolb said, adding that E! brass wondered “How deep is the pool of Ryan Lochte? It turns out, very deep.” The episodes will feature the swimmer partying and training as he prepares for the 2016 Rio Olympics while building his fashion line, making media appearances, dealing with his close-knit and outspoken family and friends and looking for the right girl.”
And for just a moment – when we realize that “vivescent” isn’t actually a word, and combine this with the fact that Lochte made a name for himself by having an incomprehensible catchphrase (“JEAH!”), claiming that 7 x 4 is 21, and assuming everyone in the world–including himself–pees in the pool – THIS REALITY SHOW TOTALLY MAKES SENSE.
Clearly, this show exists for two reasons: 1) so we can all watch a hot ass man use his mouth to say ridiculous things, and 2) so we can watch a hot ass man do things like this:
And, if you ask the President of the E! network, watching Ryan Lochte do these Ryan Lochte-type things will either arouse you or cause you to ovulate.
“He is an incredibly endearing personality who is sexy, entertaining and fun,” Kolb noted in a statement. “Watching this show, I believe people will fall into three categories: they want to be him, sleep with him or mother him.”
Oh god, oh god, OH GOD. I know it hasn’t yet even started, but PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.